The Real World

I just ordered a book titled "Life after Rejection." Ironically, it was an ad on this blog and I thought, "Huh, I am feeling rejected. Wonder what it has to offer." It offers up a religious perspective on the feelings one encounters during a divorce, and it can't hurt, right? Admitting to the feeling of rejection isn't such a bad thing either, and I realized this week, during the long drive home from Buffalo that holding back, staying strong, blanketing the negative emotions that I am feeling because of this rejection isn't helping me. That's why people go to therapists, and I've siphoned all the strength I can possibly get from my family and friends, and I've siphoned all the strength I can get from my own heart too. I need a refueling of perspective, I think. Feeling angry and righteous helps, but it's a mere Band-Aid on a wound that is broken open wide. I think I've taken a step forward though. I'm not writing this blog from a depressed state of mind, not feeling sorry for myself, it's more of a recognition that I need help to get over this. A book, based on God and pinpointing the topic I am feeling, can't hurt. Plus, I like to read.

It's easy to say that a positive attitude, an attitude of gratitude is the way to heal. That is not to say that it doesn't help, but it's hard sometimes to see the light through the shadows of reality. And this is the real world and if I am going to give all of myself to myself, to the children, to the rest of the people I care about in my life, I have to get over this feeling of rejection, and yes, guilt. All the people who care about me have reiterated that this is his issue, not mine. But it doesn't make my feelings go away. Some days I can see it clearly, but other times I blend into myself and feel all mixed up about my role in the divorce. I haven't been fair to him in some instances - making bigger issues out of smaller things, but I realize it's a protective mechanism because facing my ego in light of this profound rejection is enough to crumble even the Hulk, who as we all know, thrives on his anger and becomes very powerful. Eh, that's not me. Plus, my eyes are brown.

I've had women contacting me, having discovered my blog. They tell me that I am so strong, and so helpful to them as they struggle through low self-esteem, fear, rejection, and love for the husbands that treated them so poorly. I read some of their messages and I just want to cry. I am familiar with their struggles, I went through it. This is the real world - it happens every single day to so many people and it's sad. I doubt that there is any straight path one can discover that will make life easier through the journey of divorce. Everyone is different. These women, God bless them, are at different stages. I realize just how blessed I am, especially right now. I've made it through the roughest parts - letting go and acceptance. Now I just have to work through the rejection part. I'll never understand his reasons for leaving, but I have to stop thinking it's a complete rejection of me. I may have had a role in it, but a complete rejection would make me less desirable than a rat in an alley, because all the attendant pieces - the lifestyle, the children, the house, our respective families - are also being left behind. How is it that a person can reject all of those things? I see it as a huge loss - and it is a reflection of his feelings for me - a complete rejection of everything good because of me. And that is very hard to swallow. Yet in that same vein, it helps me understand a little too.

I am seeing reality, that's all. And if I am going to move forward, be all that I can be - which is anything I want to be! - I have to accept the rejection somehow. Hopefully, this book will help me do that. "Ain't no church bells ringing, ain't no flags unfurled, just me and faith and the hope I'm bringing into the real world."