Giving Thanks

Years have passed since writing here.  Events have broken me.  Events that I thought I could never overcome. Events that shook me to the core and made me afraid.  Afraid to say something, afraid not to say something, afraid to move forward, and afraid of traveling backwards.

But lately, I don't feel the same.  The events that broke me made me better.  The events that held me back, I barreled through.  Recently, I solved parts of the mystery of this life, and I found that if I do everything from my heart and I don't care what other people think of me, I can be happy and energetic all the time.  What comes from my heart is full-blown love, untarnished by my mind.  How can I go wrong?

In the future, I will be tested, even broken-hearted, but I have promised myself that everything thing I feel --- joy, sadness, love, compassion, happiness -- will come from the heart first, processed by the mind, of course.  But felt in the heart first.

Using this newfound beauty in my life, I've drafted a list of all things for which I am grateful:

1)  I am grateful for the love I saw pass between my parents on the day of my brother's funeral.
2) I am grateful for the love that swelled in my heart for my family on that same day.
3)  I am grateful for the marriage I had because it created the two most beautiful people I know.
4) I am grateful for the divorce -- and the pain I felt because of it.  It made me a great mom and an even better person.
5)  I am grateful for the fear that has held me back for nearly a decade.  Fuck that, I'm not grateful for that.  It's because of the fear that I couldn't recognize all the good.
6) I am grateful that I had the nerve to email LOML and ask him on a date.
7) I am grateful that we took things slow with introducing our kids to each other, and that they are now good friends.
8) I am grateful for the hawk that graces me with his presence every morning on my way into work.
9)  I am grateful for every coincidence.
10) I am grateful for every note in the End Credits of the Braveheart soundtrack.

I am grateful.  I am joyous.  I am hopeful. I am hearing, feeling and acting with my heart, and my mind is clear.

It's crazy how good I feel.  Thank you.

Life Will never Be The Same

There is so much beauty in this life if you listen for it, if you open your eyes to see it, touch it, taste and smell it. When your soul is awakened and fresh, and your mind is clear of the lies you told yourself in that voice you think was your own, that beauty is available for every sensory receptor you have.

Your skin tingles, and your heart expands — infinitely — and touches others without words.

I can walk now, and live! I can invest my love — for more love and joy, more passion and kindness. I intend to, no, I MUST, live my life with an ever-attracting soul that will give and give and give the good it attracts.

By showing my weaknesses, I gain my freedom. By annihilating the voice I’ve been tricked to believe is my own, I gain control. A control that allows me to be bold and carefree, goofy and brave, sexy and comfortable.

By showing my hatred and banishing it from my soul forever, I find love and forgiveness.  No more anger, just righteousness for what is right and just; a righteousness for MY voice to be heard. MY voice must be heard — it has nothing but good to expel.

My awakened soul is roaring! Roaring with kindness and compassion. I may now live my life as I choose. I may now live my life with control and intention. I may now live my life with clear direction.

I may now live my life with tears of joy for all those things unnoticed because I sat in the darkness of a voice I labeled as my own. I may now live with tears from anger for injustices, as I grow stronger and move forward to fix it; as I witness the sadness in others; as I witness love too... I may now live my life loving strangers.

Grateful is too small a word. Blessed is too small a word. Love. Joyous.  Yes!

Life will never be the same.