Happy Birthday brother. We've been celebrating your birthday for all these years, and the date has always been one of my favorites; marking the beginning of summer and laughter. There is a great void this morning - not so much in the mood for celebrating today. But one thing I know: You will be beside me the entire day, and every song I play is for you, every word I speak will be lined with love for you, and every smile I succeed in giving, every gesture of kindness I put forth, every tear I cry will be manifested from the love I have for you. And when the kids blow out the candles on your cake tonight - I'll remind them of how you celebrated living - and I'll wish that for every person who ever knew you.
I miss you Jeff.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Further Up the Road
In June of 2006, Jeff handed me a burned copy of Springsteen live in Dublin.
"It's awesome," was all he said. I put it in my cd cabinet and never listened to it, until yesterday and all day today.
It's awesome.
I picked the kids up from school early today so that I could spend 4 or 5 hours with them before they went with their daddy for the weekend. They were a little tired, so we cuddled on the sofa and I rubbed Tony's buzz cut, feeling it's softness (like a puppy)for nearly an hour. He loved it, and I fell into a trance as we sat together. Paige had her head on my lap, and I laid a comfortable hand on it, and just felt the closeness, and the love between us.
After the kids left, I fastened the headphones to my ears and jumped on the lawn mower. The songs were incredible. I fell into a rhythm with the mowing, and smelled the fresh cut grass, tasted the saltiness of my lips, and heard each note, every word of every song loud and clear.
The sunset was full tonight, turning the entire sky and horizon a vibrant orange. I saw it through the leafy green trees as I drove familiar roads on an errand.
The ache in my heart is still there. The longing and emptiness, the feeling of complete ordinariness that now exists in my life,the shock of his death sits in stagnant waters while I move through this life. And then, a tidal wave blows through it, and nothing makes sense, very little has meaning in those moments.
But noticing the love of and from my children, the brilliant sky, the Springsteen CD, and the sound of his voice in my ear helps. It helps me realize that this is a mere transition.
Ah, I'll sum it up with Bruce. Thanks Jeff - I loved the CD and I like the words it has given me. Words that put my eyes back on the horizon.
Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul
So let's take the good times as they go
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road.
"It's awesome," was all he said. I put it in my cd cabinet and never listened to it, until yesterday and all day today.
It's awesome.
I picked the kids up from school early today so that I could spend 4 or 5 hours with them before they went with their daddy for the weekend. They were a little tired, so we cuddled on the sofa and I rubbed Tony's buzz cut, feeling it's softness (like a puppy)for nearly an hour. He loved it, and I fell into a trance as we sat together. Paige had her head on my lap, and I laid a comfortable hand on it, and just felt the closeness, and the love between us.
After the kids left, I fastened the headphones to my ears and jumped on the lawn mower. The songs were incredible. I fell into a rhythm with the mowing, and smelled the fresh cut grass, tasted the saltiness of my lips, and heard each note, every word of every song loud and clear.
The sunset was full tonight, turning the entire sky and horizon a vibrant orange. I saw it through the leafy green trees as I drove familiar roads on an errand.
The ache in my heart is still there. The longing and emptiness, the feeling of complete ordinariness that now exists in my life,the shock of his death sits in stagnant waters while I move through this life. And then, a tidal wave blows through it, and nothing makes sense, very little has meaning in those moments.
But noticing the love of and from my children, the brilliant sky, the Springsteen CD, and the sound of his voice in my ear helps. It helps me realize that this is a mere transition.
Ah, I'll sum it up with Bruce. Thanks Jeff - I loved the CD and I like the words it has given me. Words that put my eyes back on the horizon.
Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul
So let's take the good times as they go
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Every Day
It comes to me in moments. The fragility of life and the fullness of life in one smile,(or several smiles), in the old argument between my father and brother over the Yankees management, the poking of an abyss of a belly button and the giggles that follow, ongoing conversations among four and six year olds, the sore legs of a 37 year old woman who played kickball, did somersaults and played dodgeball with a dozen kids in the backyard, a shot of tequila held in the air with the ones I love... the list goes on.
Yesterday was another opportunity to take both the fragility and the fullness into my heart.Every year at the Breast Cancer walk, amidst the balloons, the pink shirts, the cheerleaders and the thousands of people I am awestruck - brought to tears. This year was no different. Yet, it was. It was different because there were more people on our team - tenderhearted, familiar yet unfamiliar, people on our team. My cousins joined us this year and along with their kindness, they brought along their lives, adn I felt the deep need to get to know them again... to get to know their children more, their lives but also knew that I already know so much about them! We are bound by values that our grandparents taught. It is evident on the faces of our children. I didn't get much of a chance to really talk to Jacqui, Kristen, Jamie, Caroline or MaryLouise, but I heard their voices loud and clear.
Oh and my sister's voice! Even when she's not speaking, I am laughing at something she has said. There is a constant overture of quick wit that sustains me. She's simply beautiful.
I have fought a quivering chin, a lump so tender in my throat, and an onslaught of tears in the past two days. How can one look into the eyes of any of the children and not feel that way? We are a family.
In a couple days, I'll go back home and my heart will ache. A few days after that, when all is said and done, and the vehicle that houses my nephews and niece moves south, I will be crying. I will be crying for the fragility and fullness of this life as I think about my parents, my own children, my siblings and my cousins.
Yet this is life, and the sooner I understand that and accept it, the sooner I'll... what?
Not ache?
Find joy?
I suppose those two questions amplify the fragility-fullness juxtaposition. I don't know what I'm saying. I guess it's just that my heart is filled with love... tender, aching, and fragile. I'll try every day to never let it go.
Yesterday was another opportunity to take both the fragility and the fullness into my heart.Every year at the Breast Cancer walk, amidst the balloons, the pink shirts, the cheerleaders and the thousands of people I am awestruck - brought to tears. This year was no different. Yet, it was. It was different because there were more people on our team - tenderhearted, familiar yet unfamiliar, people on our team. My cousins joined us this year and along with their kindness, they brought along their lives, adn I felt the deep need to get to know them again... to get to know their children more, their lives but also knew that I already know so much about them! We are bound by values that our grandparents taught. It is evident on the faces of our children. I didn't get much of a chance to really talk to Jacqui, Kristen, Jamie, Caroline or MaryLouise, but I heard their voices loud and clear.
Oh and my sister's voice! Even when she's not speaking, I am laughing at something she has said. There is a constant overture of quick wit that sustains me. She's simply beautiful.
I have fought a quivering chin, a lump so tender in my throat, and an onslaught of tears in the past two days. How can one look into the eyes of any of the children and not feel that way? We are a family.
In a couple days, I'll go back home and my heart will ache. A few days after that, when all is said and done, and the vehicle that houses my nephews and niece moves south, I will be crying. I will be crying for the fragility and fullness of this life as I think about my parents, my own children, my siblings and my cousins.
Yet this is life, and the sooner I understand that and accept it, the sooner I'll... what?
Not ache?
Find joy?
I suppose those two questions amplify the fragility-fullness juxtaposition. I don't know what I'm saying. I guess it's just that my heart is filled with love... tender, aching, and fragile. I'll try every day to never let it go.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
On the Road Again
It is after 11. I just got home from my best friend's house... picking crabs, drinking beers and laughing with her family. Happy Birthday baby! Tomorrow, I will be leaving for Buffalo with the kids. It is for the Breast Cancer walk and I am excited. It's a phenomenal event, it really is.
Yet...
Yet...
Man, life is tough these days. It's tough. I'm on the brink of the highest faith, unfailing love, one day, and the next? I don't know. I just don't know.
Grief is like a a bandit. It tears away all the happiness (not joy, certainly not joy) you start to feel in one swift moment. Dammit, I miss my brother. Rather, I miss the fullness of him being alive. I didn't talk to him every day, but I talked to someone who had talked to him (my brothers, my parents, my sister). He was there. And now? Crap. He's not here. Maybe in a song. Maybe in a memory... Oh, how I wish to dream about him.
What am I dreaming about lately?
I keep having a recurring dream about my ex. Every night for the past three weeks - every night - I have had a dream that him and I are still married, still raising the kids, doing things around the house, laughing, loving, being married. Every night!
I wake up with a smile on my face, then it falls into despair... and then, after a few moments of recent memories, I'm happy again. "Oh darn, it was just a dream. Oh thank God, it was just a dream!"
Lately, I've had a real urge to figure out the people around me. I've had a real sympathy for those who are dealing with the "whaaaa? how could someone do that?" moments.
Think about it:
- The 88 year old man shooting down people at the holocaust museum.
- The man who told his son that his mother was dead... he took it to the grave and 40 years later, the son finds out the truth; his mother is still alive.
- The man who, instead of divorcing his wife and unborn child, kills his wife and unborn child.
- The He-She who decides to change his-her thingy in an effort to find his-her true identity.
- Or simply, the idiot who smashes into someone's car, laughs and drives off.
What?
I mean, really.
What?
Is it righteous indignation on my part? Am I just wrong? Am I over-reacting?
For the past three weeks, I have been brought to tears by the news stemming from the actions of other people.
Is it the ovarian cysts wreaking havoc on my hormones? PMS?
Why are these things happening?
Why?
Should be a fun drive to Buffalo tomorrow. I need to go pack.
Long drive ahead of me... lots to think about.
Yet...
Yet...
Man, life is tough these days. It's tough. I'm on the brink of the highest faith, unfailing love, one day, and the next? I don't know. I just don't know.
Grief is like a a bandit. It tears away all the happiness (not joy, certainly not joy) you start to feel in one swift moment. Dammit, I miss my brother. Rather, I miss the fullness of him being alive. I didn't talk to him every day, but I talked to someone who had talked to him (my brothers, my parents, my sister). He was there. And now? Crap. He's not here. Maybe in a song. Maybe in a memory... Oh, how I wish to dream about him.
What am I dreaming about lately?
I keep having a recurring dream about my ex. Every night for the past three weeks - every night - I have had a dream that him and I are still married, still raising the kids, doing things around the house, laughing, loving, being married. Every night!
I wake up with a smile on my face, then it falls into despair... and then, after a few moments of recent memories, I'm happy again. "Oh darn, it was just a dream. Oh thank God, it was just a dream!"
Lately, I've had a real urge to figure out the people around me. I've had a real sympathy for those who are dealing with the "whaaaa? how could someone do that?" moments.
Think about it:
- The 88 year old man shooting down people at the holocaust museum.
- The man who told his son that his mother was dead... he took it to the grave and 40 years later, the son finds out the truth; his mother is still alive.
- The man who, instead of divorcing his wife and unborn child, kills his wife and unborn child.
- The He-She who decides to change his-her thingy in an effort to find his-her true identity.
- Or simply, the idiot who smashes into someone's car, laughs and drives off.
What?
I mean, really.
What?
Is it righteous indignation on my part? Am I just wrong? Am I over-reacting?
For the past three weeks, I have been brought to tears by the news stemming from the actions of other people.
Is it the ovarian cysts wreaking havoc on my hormones? PMS?
Why are these things happening?
Why?
Should be a fun drive to Buffalo tomorrow. I need to go pack.
Long drive ahead of me... lots to think about.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Devil Sleeps
The devil sleeps soundly while those who fight him lay awake in their beds, struggling for answers, struggling through the frustrations, struggling to fight the good fight. The devil puts things in motion, smiles smugly as he watches it all unfold, and fluffs his pillow for a rest while it all plays out. If he's having a good day, he can get those who act in his favor to believe that they are actually doing it in the name of God. This makes his dreams even more enjoyable.
I am thinking about the man who is all over the news today for killing three people in cold blood - one of which was his brother. The devil slept with a smile while that was unfolding.
Or let's talk about the woman who killed her children in the name of God, having heard his voice asking her to sacrifice them for the better good. The devil had a good time imitating that voice, and he enjoyed a giggle before slipping the comforter up to his chin.
The devil sleeps while some people in the world move forth without understanding the greater good - they move forward in the name of independence for themselves, in the name of money for their future, in the name of everything that has nothing to do with family or love or the golden rule. They move forward, oblivious, and you know what the devil is doing, right? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Oh, but he doesn't always sleep. No, he works to get under the skin of those who follow God. He works hard to do that, and he gets frustrated because he is weak and no match for that kind of power. He'll make cars break down, he'll have computers crash, he'll get into the heads of husbands and tie a pork chop around the neck of a lovely lady who isn't the husband's wife and he'll convince the husband that the pork is necessary to his own well-being, he'll get those who are so lost in his maze to convince others to join in, he'll have those people form churches and praise the lord as they move about and finish his work, he'll get under the skin of those who want what is right, of those who live their lives the right way... That's the only time he is awake - when he's working on the people who believe in God the right way, and once he sets into motion the work that he wants to accomplish, he takes a snooze.
Ah hell, who am I kidding?
The devil's an asshole. His power is so miniscule because that's all it equals is fear. Fear. He uses fear to fight against love. What a joke.
I bet he's wide awake now.
I am thinking about the man who is all over the news today for killing three people in cold blood - one of which was his brother. The devil slept with a smile while that was unfolding.
Or let's talk about the woman who killed her children in the name of God, having heard his voice asking her to sacrifice them for the better good. The devil had a good time imitating that voice, and he enjoyed a giggle before slipping the comforter up to his chin.
The devil sleeps while some people in the world move forth without understanding the greater good - they move forward in the name of independence for themselves, in the name of money for their future, in the name of everything that has nothing to do with family or love or the golden rule. They move forward, oblivious, and you know what the devil is doing, right? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Oh, but he doesn't always sleep. No, he works to get under the skin of those who follow God. He works hard to do that, and he gets frustrated because he is weak and no match for that kind of power. He'll make cars break down, he'll have computers crash, he'll get into the heads of husbands and tie a pork chop around the neck of a lovely lady who isn't the husband's wife and he'll convince the husband that the pork is necessary to his own well-being, he'll get those who are so lost in his maze to convince others to join in, he'll have those people form churches and praise the lord as they move about and finish his work, he'll get under the skin of those who want what is right, of those who live their lives the right way... That's the only time he is awake - when he's working on the people who believe in God the right way, and once he sets into motion the work that he wants to accomplish, he takes a snooze.
Ah hell, who am I kidding?
The devil's an asshole. His power is so miniscule because that's all it equals is fear. Fear. He uses fear to fight against love. What a joke.
I bet he's wide awake now.
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