On the Road Again

It is after 11. I just got home from my best friend's house... picking crabs, drinking beers and laughing with her family. Happy Birthday baby! Tomorrow, I will be leaving for Buffalo with the kids. It is for the Breast Cancer walk and I am excited. It's a phenomenal event, it really is.

Yet...

Yet...

Man, life is tough these days. It's tough. I'm on the brink of the highest faith, unfailing love, one day, and the next? I don't know. I just don't know.

Grief is like a a bandit. It tears away all the happiness (not joy, certainly not joy) you start to feel in one swift moment. Dammit, I miss my brother. Rather, I miss the fullness of him being alive. I didn't talk to him every day, but I talked to someone who had talked to him (my brothers, my parents, my sister). He was there. And now? Crap. He's not here. Maybe in a song. Maybe in a memory... Oh, how I wish to dream about him.

What am I dreaming about lately?

I keep having a recurring dream about my ex. Every night for the past three weeks - every night - I have had a dream that him and I are still married, still raising the kids, doing things around the house, laughing, loving, being married. Every night!

I wake up with a smile on my face, then it falls into despair... and then, after a few moments of recent memories, I'm happy again. "Oh darn, it was just a dream. Oh thank God, it was just a dream!"

Lately, I've had a real urge to figure out the people around me. I've had a real sympathy for those who are dealing with the "whaaaa? how could someone do that?" moments.

Think about it:
- The 88 year old man shooting down people at the holocaust museum.
- The man who told his son that his mother was dead... he took it to the grave and 40 years later, the son finds out the truth; his mother is still alive.
- The man who, instead of divorcing his wife and unborn child, kills his wife and unborn child.
- The He-She who decides to change his-her thingy in an effort to find his-her true identity.
- Or simply, the idiot who smashes into someone's car, laughs and drives off.

What?

I mean, really.

What?

Is it righteous indignation on my part? Am I just wrong? Am I over-reacting?

For the past three weeks, I have been brought to tears by the news stemming from the actions of other people.

Is it the ovarian cysts wreaking havoc on my hormones? PMS?

Why are these things happening?

Why?

Should be a fun drive to Buffalo tomorrow. I need to go pack.

Long drive ahead of me... lots to think about.