Renewed? Refreshed? Really tired...

Another beautiful day. The evening birds are singing - God, they must be tired, having been at it all day. I imagine they are saying, "Alleluia! Praise the Lord! It's not raining, and wow, look at all these sticks we can use to build a nest, and all these trees!" Fall has always been my favorite season, but for some reason, Spring is bringing everything together for me. Renewal! Teeming with life! The chance to use my hands to work magic - planting a garden that in the summer months will have me chopping, and yes, canning (if I can get a quick lesson from my mom), and savoring the new tastes. Okay, so maybe summer slipped in there a little bit, but it's all about Spring, isn't it? Isn't this when people fall in love? People start making babies? People start making vacation plans around this time... what to do during the summer. If I could sit out on this back deck every day, in the clean air, listening to nature, with a laptop and a cool drink in my hand, for just one hour everyday, I wouldn't need a vacation!

It seems that the stress has finally caught up with me. I've had an amazing handle on it - yes, I lost it a couple times - but, I've been good, not overly anxious, no panic attacks, nothing but a few tears now and then. I've handled work meticulously, the kids amazingly and this divorce, well, okay, I guess. But guess what? The work got busier, the kids are more tired and the divorce, the actual divorce, is just beginning to emerge its disgusting head. And what happened to me? I got a viral infection in my inner ear and it's causing vertigo. I stand, my head spins. I sit, my head spins. I lay down to bed, and yep, my head is spinning. This, of course, is without alcohol! I have spent the last four days walking around as though I just stepped off the Topple Tower Ride at an amusement park. On top of that, I noticed my neck was tightening, so I went to the gym to work off some stress. I ran, I lifted weights, I did the elliptical... and I felt good. Now? Not so good. I can hardly walk because the squats and lunges bit me back... oh, the pain of working too hard at the gym. I swear, if I could get up from this chair and march down to that gym again, I'd... shoot, I don't know what I'd do. The gym scares me, and this is only day one. I can only imagine how I'll feel tomorrow. But, I must say, my triceps, ghostly white as they are, look decent.

But back to my point. Wait. What was my point? This motion sickness medicine I am on is making me loopy, I think. Oh, yeah. Renewal. Spring! Working at the gym, planting a garden, catching a nap... I'm tired, whooo, really tired. I think I'll take a cat nap right here in this beautiful Spring weather to the tune of robins, cardinals, orioles and the occasional Mack truck speeding down the road... and wake refreshed, with less stress, and inevitably, sorer muscles. But no matter, shuffling along with painful muscles suits me right now... I need to slow down so that I can start thinking about my vegetable plants, and planning my summer vacation.

Karma?

I have learned quite a bit about myself as I've journeyed on the rough terrain of this divorce. I have also learned quite a bit about people in general, and about one person in particular. I have learned that trust is not always reciprocal, compassion is quite possibly non-existent in some people, and the golden rule does not apply in all situations. I have learned that I cannot control the emotions or mental processes of anyone but myself. I have learned that wanting happiness and getting it are two very different things - one is a beast that scratches at the heart and mind, the other is a salve for those scratches and is quite difficult to obtain and retain. The inability to control and the inability to retain are directly linked.

I have learned that life is indeed, chaotic. That the beauty and structure we see every day - the rising sun, the cascading streams of sunlight through the clouds, the winds shifting - are the only real parts that are not chaotic. It's a rather depressing thought, isn't it? I have opined that there is a reason for everything. I have believed that my entire life, but now, I don't believe it. I have learned that since life is chaotic, since bad things do happen beyond our control and beyond God's structured creation, fate and destiny are non-existent. We are all subject to our free will, and unfortunately, we are also subject to the free will of others.

Was I fated to spend the rest of my children's lives in Maryland, or am I forced to do so because of the free will of another person? Is it fate that directed him to walk away in such a cowardly, disgusting fashion, because I was supposed to spend the next fifteen years in a state that is absent of any immediate family members except my children? Is it possible to get over the regret of coming here in the first place? It is - the answer: Paige and Tony. I may never get over the regret of having such bad judgment in picking a mate to spend the rest of my life with - and finding that a heart that was always absent of hate for anyone or anything is now filled to the brim with it. Is it my emotional wreckage creating this hate? Does he deserve my hate? Absolutely. Getting back to my point, fate is not pre-determined, karma is just a phrase used to help people get by. The truth of the matter is, control is only found in our free will. Some things aren't chaotic - the migration of birds, the collection of honey by bees, the blooming of an orchid that amazingly looks like a cartoon image of a bunny rabbit, the breath-taking pink in a sunrise. Those are great things, but they have no relationship to my divorce. They exist, they are not chaotic, they are always present.

I am done relying on the assumption that everything happens for a reason, that what goes around comes around, that karma exists, and that the universe will take care of me. The fact of the matter is, it comes down to who has more money for the veteran lawyer, who has a higher degree of coldness, and my wants, my soft, idealistic wants mean nothing when it comes to the battle grounds. I am done relying on that optimism to get me through. A cold heart will suffice for now, and you know, that's the most depressing thought I've had since this all began.

I am not wallowing, I am not entirely hopeless, I am just realistic now. The chaos of other people, of this life, is out there. It is up to me, cold, calculating Carrie (yeah, right) to begin to take control, and sort through the chaos, and create structure. Losing my optimism in the process is a small price to pay for finding justice. Karma won't bring it around, but I can use my intelligence, my resources and a big fat loan from the bank, to get it.