Karma?

I have learned quite a bit about myself as I've journeyed on the rough terrain of this divorce. I have also learned quite a bit about people in general, and about one person in particular. I have learned that trust is not always reciprocal, compassion is quite possibly non-existent in some people, and the golden rule does not apply in all situations. I have learned that I cannot control the emotions or mental processes of anyone but myself. I have learned that wanting happiness and getting it are two very different things - one is a beast that scratches at the heart and mind, the other is a salve for those scratches and is quite difficult to obtain and retain. The inability to control and the inability to retain are directly linked.

I have learned that life is indeed, chaotic. That the beauty and structure we see every day - the rising sun, the cascading streams of sunlight through the clouds, the winds shifting - are the only real parts that are not chaotic. It's a rather depressing thought, isn't it? I have opined that there is a reason for everything. I have believed that my entire life, but now, I don't believe it. I have learned that since life is chaotic, since bad things do happen beyond our control and beyond God's structured creation, fate and destiny are non-existent. We are all subject to our free will, and unfortunately, we are also subject to the free will of others.

Was I fated to spend the rest of my children's lives in Maryland, or am I forced to do so because of the free will of another person? Is it fate that directed him to walk away in such a cowardly, disgusting fashion, because I was supposed to spend the next fifteen years in a state that is absent of any immediate family members except my children? Is it possible to get over the regret of coming here in the first place? It is - the answer: Paige and Tony. I may never get over the regret of having such bad judgment in picking a mate to spend the rest of my life with - and finding that a heart that was always absent of hate for anyone or anything is now filled to the brim with it. Is it my emotional wreckage creating this hate? Does he deserve my hate? Absolutely. Getting back to my point, fate is not pre-determined, karma is just a phrase used to help people get by. The truth of the matter is, control is only found in our free will. Some things aren't chaotic - the migration of birds, the collection of honey by bees, the blooming of an orchid that amazingly looks like a cartoon image of a bunny rabbit, the breath-taking pink in a sunrise. Those are great things, but they have no relationship to my divorce. They exist, they are not chaotic, they are always present.

I am done relying on the assumption that everything happens for a reason, that what goes around comes around, that karma exists, and that the universe will take care of me. The fact of the matter is, it comes down to who has more money for the veteran lawyer, who has a higher degree of coldness, and my wants, my soft, idealistic wants mean nothing when it comes to the battle grounds. I am done relying on that optimism to get me through. A cold heart will suffice for now, and you know, that's the most depressing thought I've had since this all began.

I am not wallowing, I am not entirely hopeless, I am just realistic now. The chaos of other people, of this life, is out there. It is up to me, cold, calculating Carrie (yeah, right) to begin to take control, and sort through the chaos, and create structure. Losing my optimism in the process is a small price to pay for finding justice. Karma won't bring it around, but I can use my intelligence, my resources and a big fat loan from the bank, to get it.