Who Are You?

I am thinking about my Aunt Carolyn tonight. She's in the hospital again, fighting with that sense of humor she has. My idol. Truly, the woman I admire and try to emulate - she's that great. I am also confused tonight. I cannot put my finger on the exact cause of my confusion, but it will come. As I write this, I know it will come.

I am doing well at work - making a name for myself, creating a reputation of honesty and accuracy. Yet, my manager told me that I needed to be a little more confident; that I over-analyzed things; and that I just need to step back and do the "Carrie" thing. I thought I had a handle on the Carrie thing!

I've always had a certain degree of insecurity, and I've always done things to prove, to others, that I was beyond those insecurities. Maybe that is what I am doing now, by writing this, by telling everyone I'm okay, by spewing words of hope... I think it's because I want to believe what I say. And I do believe it, but there is a little voice in my head that sometimes obliterates the uniqueness that is me just by throwing out "other" alternatives as to who I truly am.

I am not kidding myself here. If I want to be like my Aunt Carolyn, I truly have to step back and acknowledge the wisdom I am gaining; I have to do it in such a way that I am humble in that acknowledgement; and I have to keep my sense of humor (which, by the way, is finally, finally starting to re-emerge!)

I am amazed with the realization that being married can change a person... sometimes it is in a good way. In my case, I changed in an unfortunate way. I lost my "Carrie-ness". I gave in to things that meant something to me for the sake of keeping my marriage peaceful. You might ask: how? I didn't write! When I was in the 3rd grade I started a journal... I wrote in it through high school, college, law school, and when I moved to Maryland - creative writing, poetry, personal essays. When I got married... I stopped. I was done. I wrote only every once in a while. It was deemed unworthy - by him and ultimately by me. He didn't understand. I can't blame him for taking that away, after all, I was the one who stopped writing. There is a shame factor here - I am now ashamed that I stopped doing what was essentially one of the biggest parts of me. Why? I don't know. It just didn't seem so important so it "vanished right into the air..." By stopping it, I stopped part of myself. How many other men and women have done this? Why? If you like to write, or fish, or cook, or sing... why stop? Do it. It is part of who you are.

Now that I am back into it, I feel so much better. I still question myself. I still over-analyze my worth, but at least I have somewhere to go to when I need to vent. Again, this blog is about me... it is me. I've left nothing hidden, nothing guarded and the people who love me, love me despite my insecurities and revelations.

And that is awesome.

I don't know if I'll ever make it to "Aunt Carolyn" status, but I doubt that I'll ever stop trying. That goal: to be a woman with wisdom, character, a sense of humor and kindness... what a goal! She did it! She did it, and I love her for it. She once said a cliché to me that I had never heard (and it's a common one). She said, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." My hand is reaching, reaching for that bird. When I catch it, all the birds that are still in the bush won't even matter. My insecurities are my own, despite who set them in motion. I have to let them go; free them from myself because being confused about things, over-analyzing things, disregarding who I am and questioning who lives inside me, that's an obstacle in my way. An obstacle that will hinder my progress. One obstacle (of many) that I might have just avoided... just by writing again, by being who I am. And I am thinking that's Aunt Carolyn's secret. Be humble, be kind, be who you are.