Flat Lined

I am standing at the edge of the water, the waves breaking at my ankles, coming from the distance, heavier and faster. I stand, the wind wrestling with my hair, my hands in my pockets, a chill crawls up then scurries back down my arms. I stand and brace myself against the wind, brace myself against the waves, and wait for the brunt of it to hit, to hit me head on, to slap me silly. I wait. I wait until the sky grows dark, then light again, and dark and light. I search around me, behind, beneath me, above me and beyond you, waiting for the wave to crash against me. My eyes stay steady on the horizon, anticipating the crash, bracing myself, waiting, tightening my fists in my pockets, tensing my shoulders, waiting without armor. I wait. I brace.

In a moment, the wind shifts. A friend holds a mirror to my image and says “Look, look at yourself! Look at what you are doing to yourself. You are lost. You are better than this. You are better than this. Your reflection is distorted! You are reflecting an image of his interpretation. You are more than this.” She leaves, not knowing what she has done for me. When I look back toward the horizon, the ensuing wave, the ensuing trauma is gone. The water moves swiftly toward my ankle and then stops. Stops. Placid. Clear. Uninterrupted tranquility. It has flat lined.

I stand on the edge of the water and wait for the waves, and wait for the heavy, fast waves. I wait for the wind to move through my hair. I take my hands from my pockets to feel the air. It is placid, clear, unmoving. Silence strips me of doubts now. Voices sing to me in harmony – euphoric symphonies, a symbol tickles in the background and it is over. It has flatlined.

Hate, love, sadness, pity, and fear all rolling into apathy. Flat lining into nothing.

In the distance I see the town where I was born. It’s going to be a long walk home. I turn and take another step forward.

Thank you, Aim.