When I read the story of the Virginia Beach shootings, my heart broke a little. That is not to say that the other mass shootings across the country - - there have been 150 this year already -- aren't also heartbreaking. But this one hit a little closer to home, only because as I've sat in some of the city or county offices, and worried that it could happen. I've had the thought that the city offices are prime areas for someone to lose their wits and take down innocent people because of the darkness and brokenness in their souls. It hits close to home because I've been to that office and I've had coworkers at that office, and I know people at that office.
I took a long walk this morning. After two and half miles my feet started to hurt so I stopped to let them rest for the walk back, as I often do.
This was my view:
I stayed on that bench and cried for those people and their families. I said prayers for them but still felt helpless.
Then I reflected on my yesterday with Tony -- walking around the paths near my house and collecting Pokemon and fighting battles, all the while interacting and sharing. I thought back to a conversation I had with Paige last night when she and I were talking about Utopian and Distopian societies and she said "there really is no perfect society - there is no way to get one." And sadly, I agreed with both statements but also offered that if more people lead with love, there would be less tragedy.
When you lead with love there is no room for dishonesty, greed, fucked-uped-ness. If everyone lead with love and really did it, then kids wouldn't be getting abused by their priest, their scout leader, their coach, their uncle, parents. . . sadly, the list goes on. . .
If everyone lead with love, their would be growth and giving and kindness. The loss of a life would cause grief, but not fear and anxiety. The loss of a life could be celebrated because we would know that the person lived giving and receiving love.
I know that the community in Virginia Beach is living its worst nightmare, but I also know that there is so much love right now in that community. Love that I hope prevails so it never happens again.
I hate that I have to wear a fanny pack (or as my daughter calls it: "your anti-Milf outerwear") but I need somewhere to put my pepper spray as I walk along the paths behind my house collecting Pokemon and enjoying nature as beautiful music plays in my ears. I walk with a tinge of fear every day because I don't know if there is a broken person I will encounter who decides that it is his/her day to kill someone.
Of course, there is "ikigai". This is a concept that means "a reason for being." The word ikigai is usually used to indicate the source of value in one's life or the things that make one's life worthwhile. In Japan there is a community where the people live with ikigai and grow to be 90, 95, 100, 110 years old - -active elders too. They live as a community - - planting gardens, sharing meals, sharing stories and sharing love. There are no mass shootings because people are living worthwhile lives, and aren't caught up in the likes/dislikes of social media or trying to bury the hurt with drugs and alcohol.
It does exist.
I get on this blog and I talk about love and giving love, and being honest and kind, and smiling. It's not easy though. I try to live by my words, but I fall into the fear and anxiety. I live with insecurities that I don't even know about, and they are dredged up when I'm tired or scared, and I lead with fear instead.
I took this picture on Friday evening as I collected Pokemon with Tony. The fountain and pond are less than 300 feet from my house. We stopped to catch a Pokemon and I happened to look up and was in awe of what was in front of me. I closed the Pokemon Go app and opened up the camera, and snapped it. Everything about it is beautiful and Tony and I sat on a bench, our phones in our pockets and watched the sunset in silence. He's fourteen and likely wanted to go back to the Pokemon, but he saw what I saw and he felt what I felt, I think. So we sat there for a few minutes and I put my arm around him and said, "I love you, buddy and I'm so happy you're home again." (He and Paige had just returned from their dad's house).
He smiled and said, "I love you too, daddy." Always calling me daddy. . .
It was an ikigai moment - - a reason for being, a sense of value, a worthwhile activity. On that walk, I had nothing but love. I didn't think about my pepper spray or my mortality. I just sat in that moment.
Since Friday evening, I have looked at this picture at least a dozen times. It helps, especially after reading the news and feeling the break in my heart.
Sadly, that break in my heart has me saying Rest in Peace.
