Time to Go Back

I'll be pulling away from my parents' driveway later this morning. It has been a full week of activity, many, many laughs and some tears. It was a good week for me to come up. I get the feeling my parents sense my strength now, they seem to rely on it a little more, leaning instead of holding me up. That's what love can do.

I have two songs in my head, vying for attention. The first is What Love Can Do and the second is Blood Brothers. In fact, there are two lines of each song that play back to back in the little spinny thing inside my brain.

"Each one fighting for the other... we said until we died, we'd always be blood brothers," against, "Let me show you what love can do."

There is no doubt that my entire thought process centers around Jeff's death, the current state of circumstances regarding his children and my role in that. The answer is love. Finding it - ain't so easy all the time, my friends. But beneath the anger, the frustration, the fears and the hopes for his young children, it sits. And it is huge. Digging through the other stuff: that's the fight.

I don't know if I'm making sense, but in my tiny brain, I think the answer lies somewhere in seeing the big picture and moving beyond the emotional hurt and into what really matters here. Fighting the good fight for the greater cause.

This message makes sense to only a few of my readers, I am quite certain.

I am destined to make my sister a Springsteen fan. Perhaps after she reads the lyrics to the following song, she'll see my point because I believe it has a message we all need to hear.

There's a pillar in the temple
where I carved your name
There's a soul sitting sad and blue
Now the remedies you've taken
are all in vain
Let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do

Darling I can't stop the rain
Or turn your black sky blue
Well let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do

Well now our truth lay shattered,
we stood at world's end
There's a dead sun rose in view
As if any of this matters, a kiss my friend
Let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do

Darling we can't stop this train
When it comes crashing through
But let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do

On the bench you lie all is nails and rust
And the love you've given's turned ashes and dust
When the hope you've gathered's drifted to the wind
It's you and I now, friend (you and I now, friend)
You and I now, friend

Here our memory lay corrupted and our city lay dry
Let me make this vow to you
Here where it's blood for blood and an eye for an eye
Let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do

Here we bear the mark of Cain
But let the light shine through
Let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do
Let me show you what love can do

Good to be Home

I have a few random thoughts running around my head this morning. Several of them have surfaced from the past few days of visiting and observing family, working from my parents’ kitchen table and watching my children thrive with the rest of my family members.

1. First and foremost, it is nice to wake up before the children and have the coffee already brewed, as opposed to the previous four days and starting the coffee myself. The coffee maker at Mom and Dad’s house is quite ancient and the wait for a freshly brewed cup of coffee is approximately 45 minutes. Note to self: spend the $20 and get them a new coffee maker. The only thing stopping me from doing that is hearing how “lousy” the coffee maker is – “why all the buttons?” “Bah, I don’t need a timer.” “Why would you spend your money on that, this one is perfectly fine.” “This coffee’s lousy.” I’ll hear how thoughtful I was in buying it in about six months when they start missing me, and bragging to others about how nice it was for me to buy one for them. On second thought, I might just let one of my siblings be the good guy and I’ll slip them the money and the idea for a new coffee pot.

2. Watching a four and a half year old imitating Daffy Duck is rather humorous. The other day I asked Tony if he wanted a drink and his answer (in Daffy Duck’s voice) was: “No more for me thanks, I’m driving.” He’s got it down. Love that boy!

3. My stance with the NRA has always been negative, but as I watched the news today I thought about people’s rights to have guns. It’s fine for the hunters, the normal people – they can have all the guns they want. But when you see the inner-city shootings that happen at 2am every night, the right to bear these arms is rather questionable. But then I think, if these people are going to shoot each other, let them go right ahead. But then I think that maybe I’m being a little judgmental by one, referring to them as “these people” and two… I suppose one is enough. In any case, I’m tired and driving home a political point, especially with regard to the whole NRA debacle, seems to be a waste of my time. And my time is important.

4. I watched parts of my wedding video yesterday, mainly to catch a glimpse of Jeff’s little speech at the start of the reception. As some of you may recall, he introduced a slide show of me by stating how all my siblings influenced me in one way or another.
Corinne: taught me how to smoke and break curfew and live life to the funnest.
John: taught me strength and the ability to work through problems
Cliff: taught me that reading and writing really is a good thing
Jim: taught me the greatest lesson of all – that maybe the family needs a lawyer
Jeff: taught me that a brother and sister really can be best friends.

He choked up in the video. I sobbed as I watched it eight years later.

My mom watched the credits roll: Met: April 19, 1998 / Engaged December 15, 1999 / Married September 23, 2000. Her one liner: “Where are they going to fit the divorce date?” Funny woman, she is.

5. My dad doesn’t smile much in the morning unless he’s already pooped and had a cup of coffee.

6. The safest I feel – ever – is when I am laughing with my sister, and my kids are chomping on popsicles beside us and I know I’ll see the rest of the family at some point in the three hour period.

7. When I woke up this morning the feeling that “something big was gone” had positioned itself in my chest, and that coming home is real hard when there is such a huge void in the family. I miss my brother, and his entire family, and it sucks sometimes.

8. John is rather funny and quick-witted, and when he and Dana play off each other, the laughter is fast and bubbly.

9. It has been 68 degrees, rainy and humid since I got here – and all I want is an hour of sunshine in Jim’s pool. Where the heck is he?

10. I cannot keep my promise to my neighbor that I won’t be sad when I get back to Maryland.