My New Year's Resolutions... I have thought about this for a few weeks, and even made a list of things I want to accomplish - both little and big. Yet, those are just the trees - I want to see the entire forest. So, my resolutions are a bit general, but I think if I achieve them, I can do anything this year. So, from the book The Four Agreements, here they are:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Don't Shut Out the Light
Throughout this entire journey, something has been nagging me, and I realize now that I couldn’t get over the emotions and struggles of the divorce because I was working on a puzzle with missing pieces, and I knew they were missing but I thought that I could complete it with my imagination and ingenuity. Yet, it doesn’t work that way. I kept praying that God would guide me along the path, yet I kept coming full circle to the same missing puzzle piece. It has been nearly two years and I keep struggling through it again and again. Last night, I prayed and said, “I’m here again. Why can’t I get through the first betrayal?” Why was that nagging me? The answer I heard this morning is that I was going through it again and again because I never got beyond it – because I haven’t allowed it to teach me what I didn’t want to learn.
Before me, today, is the missing puzzle piece and it is the root of the problems in my marriage. Over four years ago, I sat nine months pregnant with my second child, and without my knowledge, the foundation of my marriage was crumbling. And I was made aware of this truth four days before Christmas. A gift? Perhaps. I think it is fitting that I learned of this information before the end of 2008. It gives me hope that in 2009, it is certain that I will begin fresh.
It is strange to know that I have been wasting time fighting for a lie, blinding myself with a shield of false compassion, failing to recognize problems. And we all know that failing to recognize the problems – the root, the truth – leaves the door open for tragedies. It’s good to know the truth, and it doesn’t hurt as much either given that I’ve had over four years to prepare for what I knew was true in my heart all along. It’s kind of sad, but I realize that in order to have faith in my own path, I needn’t prove that someone else’s path is wrong. It’s just different, but you know, I feel like I’ve come home in a way. I have forged a relationship with my heart, and I trust it now. When I am silent and listening, my heart tells me the truth.
Yet when my heart is silent with the truth and I am in need of inspiration, I read the lips of my neighbors, friends and strangers to discover what my guardian angel is trying to tell me. They are telling me that I cannot grow alone. They are telling me that I need to make room on this path for them so that we can move forward together, and they can veer off onto their own path when the timing is right.
I’ve made mistakes. I am not perfect. But, I was a wife and I took it seriously – perhaps too seriously? Perhaps. Yet, in all this time of self-discovery, I have come to know a few things. I will never lose hope of being better than I am. I will spend many days talking to my heart. I will not respond to insults or lies because they do nothing for me. I will look at my mistakes as a beacon for further growth.
It’s difficult to allow the truth into my mind because I have fought it for so long, and it is difficult not to feel sadness and complete disappointment.
I am reading a book/”Manual” by Paulo Coelho and he is such a wise man, sharing his wisdom as a Warrior of the Light. In it, he writes the following:
A Warrior of the Light always keeps his heart free of any feelings of hatred.
When he goes into battle he remembers what Christ said, “Love your enemies.” And he obeys.
But he knows that the act of forgiveness does not mean that he must accept everything: a Warrior cannot bow his head, for if he did he would lose sight of the horizon of his dreams.
He accepts that his opponents are there to test his valor, his persistence, and his ability to make decisions. They force him to fight for his dreams.
It is the experience of battle that strengthens the Warrior of the Light.
I think that trapping the demons inside is tragic. The outcome is certain darkness of the soul, and in time, it takes the light out of one's eyes. Without that light, every step is mis-step because it's impossible to see the path before you, and at some point, an obstacle or a big rut, will take you down.
It takes courage to face the truth.
I have chosen to keep the light on, so that my own worst enemy doesn't come unexpectedly.
Before me, today, is the missing puzzle piece and it is the root of the problems in my marriage. Over four years ago, I sat nine months pregnant with my second child, and without my knowledge, the foundation of my marriage was crumbling. And I was made aware of this truth four days before Christmas. A gift? Perhaps. I think it is fitting that I learned of this information before the end of 2008. It gives me hope that in 2009, it is certain that I will begin fresh.
It is strange to know that I have been wasting time fighting for a lie, blinding myself with a shield of false compassion, failing to recognize problems. And we all know that failing to recognize the problems – the root, the truth – leaves the door open for tragedies. It’s good to know the truth, and it doesn’t hurt as much either given that I’ve had over four years to prepare for what I knew was true in my heart all along. It’s kind of sad, but I realize that in order to have faith in my own path, I needn’t prove that someone else’s path is wrong. It’s just different, but you know, I feel like I’ve come home in a way. I have forged a relationship with my heart, and I trust it now. When I am silent and listening, my heart tells me the truth.
Yet when my heart is silent with the truth and I am in need of inspiration, I read the lips of my neighbors, friends and strangers to discover what my guardian angel is trying to tell me. They are telling me that I cannot grow alone. They are telling me that I need to make room on this path for them so that we can move forward together, and they can veer off onto their own path when the timing is right.
I’ve made mistakes. I am not perfect. But, I was a wife and I took it seriously – perhaps too seriously? Perhaps. Yet, in all this time of self-discovery, I have come to know a few things. I will never lose hope of being better than I am. I will spend many days talking to my heart. I will not respond to insults or lies because they do nothing for me. I will look at my mistakes as a beacon for further growth.
It’s difficult to allow the truth into my mind because I have fought it for so long, and it is difficult not to feel sadness and complete disappointment.
I am reading a book/”Manual” by Paulo Coelho and he is such a wise man, sharing his wisdom as a Warrior of the Light. In it, he writes the following:
A Warrior of the Light always keeps his heart free of any feelings of hatred.
When he goes into battle he remembers what Christ said, “Love your enemies.” And he obeys.
But he knows that the act of forgiveness does not mean that he must accept everything: a Warrior cannot bow his head, for if he did he would lose sight of the horizon of his dreams.
He accepts that his opponents are there to test his valor, his persistence, and his ability to make decisions. They force him to fight for his dreams.
It is the experience of battle that strengthens the Warrior of the Light.
I think that trapping the demons inside is tragic. The outcome is certain darkness of the soul, and in time, it takes the light out of one's eyes. Without that light, every step is mis-step because it's impossible to see the path before you, and at some point, an obstacle or a big rut, will take you down.
It takes courage to face the truth.
I have chosen to keep the light on, so that my own worst enemy doesn't come unexpectedly.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Don't Kill the Bird
I am still working on the mental list of New Year's Resolutions. Every time I think about what I'd like to accomplish this year, I can think of nothing beyond the moment. I guess that's pretty healthy, but I think that it probably has something to do with the fact that I just don't want to start blowing air into the hope balloon only to have it popped by the poking needle of the shit sandwich that life sometimes feeds us.
Yet, isn't that inviting failure into my life?
If I continually try to protect myself from the downs in life, I am sure to miss the opportunities for the ups. I'm not game for that right now because I'm a believer... in miracles, in people, in goodness. If I become intimidated by silence, indifference or rejection, haven't I failed, even though I have chosen do nothing?
Tori Amos sings a song and there is one line that plays over and over in my head everytime I think of making my list of New Year's Resolutions: "There's just an empty cage if you kill the bird." It seems to be a reminder to me that if I neglect moving forward with my dreams in order to thwart pain, then my heart is dead, like the bird and I am simply left with an empty cage. Do I defend this empty cage? Do I keep it unlocked and hope that the bird returns when the shit sandwich has been handed over to someone else?
I'm not quite ready to make that list, but I will indeed make it. I just need to strengthen my wings a bit more so that when I am ready, I can fly away from the cage, alive, and return to it as a resting place, as a spot to relax and refuel between conquests.
Yet, isn't that inviting failure into my life?
If I continually try to protect myself from the downs in life, I am sure to miss the opportunities for the ups. I'm not game for that right now because I'm a believer... in miracles, in people, in goodness. If I become intimidated by silence, indifference or rejection, haven't I failed, even though I have chosen do nothing?
Tori Amos sings a song and there is one line that plays over and over in my head everytime I think of making my list of New Year's Resolutions: "There's just an empty cage if you kill the bird." It seems to be a reminder to me that if I neglect moving forward with my dreams in order to thwart pain, then my heart is dead, like the bird and I am simply left with an empty cage. Do I defend this empty cage? Do I keep it unlocked and hope that the bird returns when the shit sandwich has been handed over to someone else?
I'm not quite ready to make that list, but I will indeed make it. I just need to strengthen my wings a bit more so that when I am ready, I can fly away from the cage, alive, and return to it as a resting place, as a spot to relax and refuel between conquests.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Carry in Your Memory...
For the first time in months, I have been afforded the opportunity to have such clarity in my mind that I can indulge in dreaming, fantasizing, and envisioning triumphs. I have learned that thoughts mark the path and that every step forward is another step away from the pain of the past, an opportunity to "concentrate on the joy of having passed yet another of life's tests."(Chico Xavier) I think, now, it's most important to concentrate on the good that comes out of difficult times - a renewed confidence, an unmoving strength, and a tolerance for the little dramas that used to shake the very core.
It is blizzarding in Buffalo right now. The air is so, so cold and the wind is blowing hard across the familiar hill on which my parents' house rests - the house I grew up in with four brothers, one sister and usually a couple of dogs. It is a lot easier to weather the storm outside when the warmth of memories and the stability of family protect me. It's a lot easier to weather the storm inside too.
It is getting close to the end of yet another year. This was a year of tests and truths and discipline and tears and confusion. Yet, I am emerging from this long period of darkness. Here's the ironic part, I am grateful for it. I am grateful for it... yes, the divorce - I am grateful for it because after all this time of wanting to keep my marriage and fighting it's end, I suffered. I suffered through the illusions, the thoughts of reconciliation and like Sara Bareill sings in one of her most excellent songs, "defending good intentions if he fails." I put on my armor to defend an untruth.
In the stillness of this winter day, I was able to shed the armor and look at it clearly. I did what I always do when I have a few extra minutes without the kids in the car, I drove past my parents' house and into the hills of my small town. I rode familiar hills, looked at familiar houses and let the past kind of slip under my skin - memories of good days that have passed. Because this is life, I am sure I had very difficult moments as I grew up. I remember mourning the loss of a boyfriend as I drove those hills; I remember worrying about getting enough financial aid for law school; and I worried about the imperfections of my family on these roads. Yet, as I drove today, my thoughts were void of those worries - the past made me who I am today. I like who I am today. I like who I have become, and I anticipate the dark valleys and sharp peaks with curiosity and courage. That is something I never would have realized before this divorce. How can I not be happy? How can I not be excited about my future? How could I have allowed the loss of those moments of fantasizing and daydreaming - they were available for me this whole time!
Tony taught me a lesson about fear of the future a couple days ago. He has been (literally!) bouncing off the walls for weeks now because of the excitement of seeing his cousins in Buffalo and of course, Santa Claus coming to town. On Thursday, he was jumping around, screaming at the top of his lungs. I gave him two warnings to no avail. I finally pulled out the topper of all lines during this Christmas season. I said, "Tony, Santa Claus is watching you right now!" You know what he did? He raised his arms above his head, jumped up and down and screamed in the loudest voice, "I want lots of presents! Bring me lots of presents!"
Even in the face of sure reprimand and suffering from Santa, he knew what he wanted and made it known. He knows more about himself than I ever did.
Until now.
It is blizzarding in Buffalo right now. The air is so, so cold and the wind is blowing hard across the familiar hill on which my parents' house rests - the house I grew up in with four brothers, one sister and usually a couple of dogs. It is a lot easier to weather the storm outside when the warmth of memories and the stability of family protect me. It's a lot easier to weather the storm inside too.
It is getting close to the end of yet another year. This was a year of tests and truths and discipline and tears and confusion. Yet, I am emerging from this long period of darkness. Here's the ironic part, I am grateful for it. I am grateful for it... yes, the divorce - I am grateful for it because after all this time of wanting to keep my marriage and fighting it's end, I suffered. I suffered through the illusions, the thoughts of reconciliation and like Sara Bareill sings in one of her most excellent songs, "defending good intentions if he fails." I put on my armor to defend an untruth.
In the stillness of this winter day, I was able to shed the armor and look at it clearly. I did what I always do when I have a few extra minutes without the kids in the car, I drove past my parents' house and into the hills of my small town. I rode familiar hills, looked at familiar houses and let the past kind of slip under my skin - memories of good days that have passed. Because this is life, I am sure I had very difficult moments as I grew up. I remember mourning the loss of a boyfriend as I drove those hills; I remember worrying about getting enough financial aid for law school; and I worried about the imperfections of my family on these roads. Yet, as I drove today, my thoughts were void of those worries - the past made me who I am today. I like who I am today. I like who I have become, and I anticipate the dark valleys and sharp peaks with curiosity and courage. That is something I never would have realized before this divorce. How can I not be happy? How can I not be excited about my future? How could I have allowed the loss of those moments of fantasizing and daydreaming - they were available for me this whole time!
Tony taught me a lesson about fear of the future a couple days ago. He has been (literally!) bouncing off the walls for weeks now because of the excitement of seeing his cousins in Buffalo and of course, Santa Claus coming to town. On Thursday, he was jumping around, screaming at the top of his lungs. I gave him two warnings to no avail. I finally pulled out the topper of all lines during this Christmas season. I said, "Tony, Santa Claus is watching you right now!" You know what he did? He raised his arms above his head, jumped up and down and screamed in the loudest voice, "I want lots of presents! Bring me lots of presents!"
Even in the face of sure reprimand and suffering from Santa, he knew what he wanted and made it known. He knows more about himself than I ever did.
Until now.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
If you're gonna walk... walk tall.
I had a bad day today. (I know, "a day is a day" but today was one of those days). Every few days it seems that there is something or someone who has to interrupt my reasonably happy existence and muddy the waters. Work is busy these days; the kids have me running around like crazy; but those two things are only 10% of the cause of stress in my life. I guess one can imagine where the other 90% comes in. But alas, I've learned that the sadness/pain/stress, etc. is just a wave and I have to jump up on the board, find my balance and ride it into shore. I'd say 95% of the time, I can ride it into shore just by picking up the kids from school, cooking dinner and sitting down to eat with them. Usually, that is all it takes. But today was different for some reason. I couldn't let go of the thoughts that were stressing me out. The anxiety was winning. After dinner, I sent the kids into their playroom to play "school" while I tried to let it go while cleaning up the dishes and making lunches. I was stressing but I knew I couldn't control how to decompress, so I had to let it go! I cleaned the dishes and started on the lunches... then Tony came into the kitchen and said, "I want to hear the guitar and piano." I had no idea what he was talking about until he said, "Bruce, Mommy." (Like, "well, duh!")
"You wanna hear Bruce?" I asked and he nodded.
My 3 year old son wants to hear Bruce? My 3 year old son wants to hear Bruce!!!
I skipped over to the stereo, put on "Rosalita" at full volume and picked him up to dance. We danced and laughed. When it was over, he said, "Again!" So I put it back on and started singing. The dogs got in on the action, jumping around and barking, Paige came in from coloring in the other room, grabbed Tony's hand and started spinning around. I belted out the words:
"Windows are for cheaters,
chimneys for the poor,
closets are for hangers,
winners use the door!"
And it hit me. My bad day was over. I rode the wave into the shore. And rather than use the window, climb through the chimney or hide in the closet until it passed, I used the door.
People escape by drinking - I've done it. I used to make love to the Grey Goose martini an awful lot after the kids went to bed and my husband got on his computer or zoned out in front of the TV. People escape by sleeping - I've been there. Sometimes the sadness is the best sleep aid around. People escape by cutting off friends and hiding - I've done it. It just makes the booze and the sleeping the only other options. And friends, family - they're the answer most of the time. Tonight, tonight was about me, and the kids, and the dogs, dancing. And it was about my best friend Bruce. "Rosalita, jump a little higher! Rosalita come put out my fire!"
"You wanna hear Bruce?" I asked and he nodded.
My 3 year old son wants to hear Bruce? My 3 year old son wants to hear Bruce!!!
I skipped over to the stereo, put on "Rosalita" at full volume and picked him up to dance. We danced and laughed. When it was over, he said, "Again!" So I put it back on and started singing. The dogs got in on the action, jumping around and barking, Paige came in from coloring in the other room, grabbed Tony's hand and started spinning around. I belted out the words:
"Windows are for cheaters,
chimneys for the poor,
closets are for hangers,
winners use the door!"
And it hit me. My bad day was over. I rode the wave into the shore. And rather than use the window, climb through the chimney or hide in the closet until it passed, I used the door.
People escape by drinking - I've done it. I used to make love to the Grey Goose martini an awful lot after the kids went to bed and my husband got on his computer or zoned out in front of the TV. People escape by sleeping - I've been there. Sometimes the sadness is the best sleep aid around. People escape by cutting off friends and hiding - I've done it. It just makes the booze and the sleeping the only other options. And friends, family - they're the answer most of the time. Tonight, tonight was about me, and the kids, and the dogs, dancing. And it was about my best friend Bruce. "Rosalita, jump a little higher! Rosalita come put out my fire!"
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