Don't Shut Out the Light

Throughout this entire journey, something has been nagging me, and I realize now that I couldn’t get over the emotions and struggles of the divorce because I was working on a puzzle with missing pieces, and I knew they were missing but I thought that I could complete it with my imagination and ingenuity. Yet, it doesn’t work that way. I kept praying that God would guide me along the path, yet I kept coming full circle to the same missing puzzle piece. It has been nearly two years and I keep struggling through it again and again. Last night, I prayed and said, “I’m here again. Why can’t I get through the first betrayal?” Why was that nagging me? The answer I heard this morning is that I was going through it again and again because I never got beyond it – because I haven’t allowed it to teach me what I didn’t want to learn.

Before me, today, is the missing puzzle piece and it is the root of the problems in my marriage. Over four years ago, I sat nine months pregnant with my second child, and without my knowledge, the foundation of my marriage was crumbling. And I was made aware of this truth four days before Christmas. A gift? Perhaps. I think it is fitting that I learned of this information before the end of 2008. It gives me hope that in 2009, it is certain that I will begin fresh.

It is strange to know that I have been wasting time fighting for a lie, blinding myself with a shield of false compassion, failing to recognize problems. And we all know that failing to recognize the problems – the root, the truth – leaves the door open for tragedies. It’s good to know the truth, and it doesn’t hurt as much either given that I’ve had over four years to prepare for what I knew was true in my heart all along. It’s kind of sad, but I realize that in order to have faith in my own path, I needn’t prove that someone else’s path is wrong. It’s just different, but you know, I feel like I’ve come home in a way. I have forged a relationship with my heart, and I trust it now. When I am silent and listening, my heart tells me the truth.

Yet when my heart is silent with the truth and I am in need of inspiration, I read the lips of my neighbors, friends and strangers to discover what my guardian angel is trying to tell me. They are telling me that I cannot grow alone. They are telling me that I need to make room on this path for them so that we can move forward together, and they can veer off onto their own path when the timing is right.

I’ve made mistakes. I am not perfect. But, I was a wife and I took it seriously – perhaps too seriously? Perhaps. Yet, in all this time of self-discovery, I have come to know a few things. I will never lose hope of being better than I am. I will spend many days talking to my heart. I will not respond to insults or lies because they do nothing for me. I will look at my mistakes as a beacon for further growth.

It’s difficult to allow the truth into my mind because I have fought it for so long, and it is difficult not to feel sadness and complete disappointment.

I am reading a book/”Manual” by Paulo Coelho and he is such a wise man, sharing his wisdom as a Warrior of the Light. In it, he writes the following:

A Warrior of the Light always keeps his heart free of any feelings of hatred.

When he goes into battle he remembers what Christ said, “Love your enemies.” And he obeys.

But he knows that the act of forgiveness does not mean that he must accept everything: a Warrior cannot bow his head, for if he did he would lose sight of the horizon of his dreams.

He accepts that his opponents are there to test his valor, his persistence, and his ability to make decisions. They force him to fight for his dreams.

It is the experience of battle that strengthens the Warrior of the Light.

I think that trapping the demons inside is tragic. The outcome is certain darkness of the soul, and in time, it takes the light out of one's eyes. Without that light, every step is mis-step because it's impossible to see the path before you, and at some point, an obstacle or a big rut, will take you down.

It takes courage to face the truth.

I have chosen to keep the light on, so that my own worst enemy doesn't come unexpectedly.