Tomorrow Never Knows

Things happen quickly, turn on a dime, change in an instant and there is really nothing anyone can do about it. It is always amazing to be blindsided with the realities of life - a stroke occurring in a 38 year old man? What the...?

Tomorrow never knows. Yet, there are truths too. Truths that never change.

My family is bound tightly - we act and react together to all the news. We pray together, we comfort each other and we love. We love. The crisis we are facing does not change how we treat each other or strangers. We're still smart alecks, still compassionate, still polite and generous. We can find humor in any situation, and the tears of laughter are often mingled with our love and anxiety of being blindsided.

Paige knows I am up in Buffalo taking care of my brother, and pulling my weight in supporting the family. She said, "It's what we do, right Mommy?" Yes, it's what we do. Reality and truth in that one simple statement.

Another truth is the presence of God in our lives. It's how we know to do what we do.

Right now I am sitting in the hospital listening to my two older brothers discuss the prognosis of the youngest brother. The conversations change within seconds - so far we've discussed the goofiness of Jeff and how he can charm a lion (and make it laugh uproariously [pun intended]), how the friends of this family are amazing - simply amazing people -, how our parents prepared us for this, and then we fall into the one-liners that make us spit coffee across the room.

We are blessed. I hate to dispute the words of my best friend Bruce who says "tomorrow never knows" but I have to. Tomorrow knows. Some things never change. Thank God for that.

Bruuuuuuuuuce!

I pre-ordered it on i-tunes at around 7:30pm, thinking I'd just download it in the morning when I got up. But no, it's 1:30am and I've downloaded and listened to it twice since I awoke at midnight with a start. My first thought being the Bruce had something waiting for me.

Of course it's good! And I haven't been this excited since I was ten years old, waking on Christmas morning.

He tours this summer. I'll be there helping him make his nightly miracle.

Thank you best friend, thank you!

Conquering the Ripple-Effect

I have discovered Facebook in the last couple months, and wow, it's pretty cool. I am back in regular contact with friends from high school, college and law school. It's an amazing tool for the web - so easy to eavesdrop on the lives of your friends without actually talking to them every day.

A couple weeks ago, I discovered that my ex and his girlfriend were now officially "In a Relationship" and I got to see pictures of their most recent get-away. I know, I know, why even go there Carrie? Can't help it, I'm human. It's okay though because since then I haven't even bothered to look. It does nothing for me.

This morning, there were pictures posted of Paige and Tony with all their cousins, my ex sister-in-law, ex cousins, etc. It was so great to see their faces smiling, and the kids really enjoying that side of the family. I only have warmth in my heart for all of his family, and sometimes I miss his Mom so much that I have to shake the thoughts from my head because I am afraid of the grief. (I haven't talked to her in over a year). Anyway, I looked at the pictures and truly enjoyed seeing them.

What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of emotion that hit me in church as I thought about the pictures. I thought about how screwed up it was that I wasn't there with them; about how when I married, I made myself part of that family, by choice and in simplicity. And it's kind of sad to know that I'm the odd man out now, but I am so grateful that I wasn't entirely booted away. Other than his parents, they still embrace me and respect me, so it's good.

I can understand how difficult it is to let go of resentment and bitterness. I've finally let go of loving my husband - realizing how I can go on, successfully, without him. I didn't even realize until today that I was losing a family by virtue of his departure, and it was a family I had grown to love, and I'd like to think, had grown to love me. And it makes me so mad at him for this loss too. I understand it, I truly do, but damn, the divorce effects so many things... so many. (The anger came and went - it's getting much easier to let go of it now because it is so toxic to any growth).

Seeing those pictures today reminded me of that, and coupled with missing my children as I always do when they are away for the weekend, I grew incredibly lonely.

Ah, yet another reason to persevere. I am going to be super-human one of these days with all the strength these struggles bring.

Wait, Is that....Is that... Snow?!

Oh yes, 2009 is turning out to be a good year so far. January has rocked thus far... the writing is back, the children are brilliant, I am re-inspired by work, fixing up the house, and I have an omnipotent sidekick that is whispering that good things are still to come. The toxins that inspired my previous, self-delusional, illusional, post-marital guilt-stricken-unforgiving-angry-emotional-basketcase-did I say illusional or delusional?- posts seem to have dispersed into thin air. Vanished. Gone. Not so important anymore.

I've started to listen to the news again, not so afraid that hearing negative things will send me into a tizzy. Yet, 'Miracle on the Hudson' - astounding. I was a bit perturbed that the headlines talked more about the crash than about the miracle at first, but you know, maybe people are afraid of miracles for some assinine reason?

The loose change in my pocket has turned into dollars - all the strings that were flying about braided into each other and made something and I feel that the braids can now be woven to make a really pretty sweater if I use these blessed fingers of mine!

Be impeccable with your word. Yes! Don't take anything personally. Yes! Don't make assumptions. Yes! Always do your best. Yes!

Believe in redemption... miracles... hope... happiness... people. Believe in people. There are more good people than bad.

Did anyone see Bruce at the Inaugural celebration? Yeah, he's my boyfriend now. And, well, it was snowing!

Swingin' My Hammer

The kids are sitting at the kitchen table performing creative arts. Tony is painting watercolors - a sun, a big purple bush and lots of black swirls that are apparently trains. Paige, on the other hand, is scratching and erasing, scratching and erasing, growing frustrated because she cannot perfect the sketch of her Power Rangers character. (She drew a car yesterday that was simply perfect - I was amazed). We've spent quite some time this weekend playing games - board games and Wii (with friends). The attitude of both children is rather sour. When they win, they rub it in. When they lose, they cry. And so we've talked a lot about what it means to support those on your team, and what it means to give high fives regardless of who wins. It's tough because the ego always wants to win!

We talked about Martin Luther King and what a phenomenal contribution he made to the civil rights movement, and how his vision shaped America. Borack Obama has become a common word in our household as well, and they are very aware of my feelings for George W, even though they're daddy disagrees. I taught them that it is okay to have a difference of opinion just so long as they remain open to the ideas of others because there is always something to be learned.

Both kids were under the weather, and Paige feeling lousy asked that I say a prayer to God that it would all go away. So I said, "Dear God, Paige feels lousy right now, but thank You for all those days when she feels healthy; and thank You for blessing all of us with great health and prosperity." She was a bit confused by the prayer, thinking that I was going to beg him to take the suffering away. Yet after I explained the concept of moving through the dark and being grateful for what we did have, she said, "Oh yeah, perseverance." Yup.

We talked about friends and family. We talked about how much Mommy misses seeing her parents and siblings; about how her Hommy is a fantastic cook and taught me a ton; about how Papa's spaghetti sauce is perfect; about how their teachers are amazing; about their friends, and about the weather, the universe and heaven. All these discussions lent to me a moment of teaching - and to them, an opportunity to learn.

And I've learned too. Shaping, molding and sculpting - using those "bad" moments to teach values. And this song sums up my weekend (which, by the way, they know by heart):

WORKING ON A DREAM© Bruce Springsteen


Out here the nights are long, the days are lonely
I think of you and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream

Now the cards I've drawn's a rough hand, darling
I straighten my back and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream

I'm working on a dream
Though sometimes it feels so far away
I'm working on a dream
I know it will be mine someday

Rain pourin' down, I swing my hammer
My hands are rough from working on a dream
From working on a dream

I'm working on a dream
Though trouble can feel like it's here to stay
I'm working on a dream
Our love will chase the trouble away

[whistling interlude]

I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday

The sunrise come, I climb the ladder
The new day breaks and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream

I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday

The Fire Inside

I've had this great experience of "going deep" in conversations with friends in the past couple of years. Perhaps it is because I have been exhaling precious breaths to flair up the embers inside me in order to make a roaring fire, and I've used my friends for the oxygen I couldn't provide. But I suppose that I was giving away some oxygen too.

I seem to be on a Tracy Chapman kick these days - her new and old music are providing the drumbeat for my heart, creating a rhythm for the flames to dance by. She has a song that details the burning desires of a relationship. It is called Smoke and Ashes, and is, of course, simply brilliant. "I thought it was true love, the way we complimented each other; but my right is your wrong and when you're right then I'm left with nothing. Your light and your heat have all been spent... leaving only smoke and ashes." And in her last stanza, she sums up the entire relationship: "But now I know for certain since you've gone away, it was just a smoldering fire that I mistook for a blaze."

It's cold outside and I have the great fortune of having a gas furnace that looks like a roaring chimney fire (without the work, ashes or smell on my clothes). The kids like to set up pillows on the floor and we lay down with our feet in front of the fire, turn our heads and hypnotize ourselves with the blue and red flames. Yesterday we snuggled close together and stared at it. There is certain comfort in that - knowing that I am snuggled close with the most precious people in my life, in a warm house and safe. My mind was safe because I was present. Their little minds were enthralled with the fire and the closeness of all of us. (They love those moments with their mom when she's simply present and aware of them wholeheartedly and not running around fixing dinner, cleaning up or worrying). The fire warmed us, but it was a reminder of what is inside of me. The fire that is blazing inside me. The light and the heat inside.

Paige likes to talk about her daddy's girlfriend. Early on, it really bothered me, but after some stories I realized that this woman is a nice woman and is probably in love with Paige and Tony (it's not a difficult thing to do), and I also realized that I sympathize with her in a lot of ways. My, oh my, how in love I was with her boyfriend at one point. Yet I mistook his fire for a blaze, you know? And he's okay - just a little lost, and I pray for light on his path all the time. And I sincerely hope that this one works out - not for him, but for her and Paige and Tony because nobody deserves to be hurt, and my kids certainly do not deserve to go through losing another loved one in their lives. I suppose I could be made out to be the unstable one, the one to blame for the loss of the marriage, and I have accepted that too. What I realized in these deep conversations with my friends is that we all live by whatever truths we surmise to help us get by.

Last night, the main theme of Grey's Anatomy was you need to believe "whatever helps you sleep at night", forging forward in the aftermath of tragedy or mistakes. A divorce is a tragedy, for certain. Yet, in some ways, a marriage that is built on faulty foundation is a tragedy too - regardless of whether or not the partners stay together for 50 years or split. I've learned that recently. And I notice now that the fire that was inside me when I was first married was going out - slowly, but surely. My writing was gone; my goofiness (crossing my eyes, dancing the YMCA in front of strangers)was gone; my ability to speak openly and honestly was gone; the sweater of my own skin fit too loosely; and my self-esteem wasn't even near the fire. In the past couple years, I've emerged newer. One of my closest friends said that when she met me I was gregarious and happy and confident, yet by the end of my marriage she didn't even know who I was anymore, and some of that was because I was never around and when I was, I was still never around - that I wore worry on my face like the lipstick I used to throw across my eyebrows to make people laugh at me.

My fire was nearly out.

My defense mechanism these past few months has been to see the truth of me, the truth of life, and defining what I think is true of him. I may be defining him in a completely dismissive and incorrect way, but believing that his fire is gone, cold and dusty, helps me sleep at night.

And that's good because I need the energy sleep provides to help me fan the fire inside.

I Just Wanna Feel Some Rhythm

With Eyes Fixed on the Horizon and God's Grace Upon Us:

What an opportunity today was. What an historical and opportunistic day! Borack's entire speech as about HOPE. Hope. It was about virtues and values and keeping things on track inside so that America can move forward in its' power with a reminder of all of its' strengths. We live in the best place in the world. Maybe the obesity in our country is indicative of a sliding slope; perhaps the quest for something better (newer cars, newer wives, newer stories of individual glory), is indicative of an increasing greed; perhaps the violence and disastrous fiscal actions of a few are indicative of demise; but I don't think so.

I believe there are more good people than bad people; more compassionate people than ego-driven people; more hopeful people than cynical people; and more confident people than afraid people.

Is today the day we choose hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord? Is today the day we proclaim an end to petty grievances and false promises? The first African-American president of the United States said it was so, and he followed it up with words from Scripture.

I was touched the words, the lump lodging and dislodging in my throat as I thought about the enormity of today.

I don't know if all the promises will come true; I don't know if all the aspirations are possible with any expediency, but I do know what it's like to walk through darkness and into light. I've done it. I've read about it in the history books too.

By far, my favorite line in his speech was this (and I will paraphrase with a purpose): To those who seek to sow conflict or blame others - know that your people (children, family members) will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.

Destroyed a marriage lately? Destroyed your own or someone else's career? Destroyed the livelihood of someone by stealing, cheating and lying?

The message was about humanity - and how each individual is responsible for the greater good. It begins with your family and friends, extends to your community, your state, your country, your earth, your world, your universe. It extends to God's gracious hands.

In the wise words of Bruce, I leave you with a question: "Is there anybody alive out there?"

Our pulses are part of the rhythm: "I just wanna feel some rhythm."

Life is Just a Fantasy

They're calling for snow in the next couple days. It will be a light dusting and will fade away in minutes, but if we're lucky, an hour. It would be nice if we got hit hard with a three foot blanket, but I have come to realize that my desire for a blizzard in Maryland is simply a fantasy. Which gets me to my point - or at the very least, segues into a point. Maybe?

It's not so bad to have fantasies, is it?

Who hasn't imagined themselves as a lottery winner, where money is that blanket of snow? I know I have. Ah, with money, I could do anything.

Really though? Really? What exactly would I do? Probably take a couple more vacations, get somebody else to fix up the house, pay off all my debts and the debts of my family. But then what? Would money repair the damage to my heart? Would money get me even more of those good-in-the-core people that I already have in my life? Would money change everything? Or would it change nothing? I'd like to think it wouldn't change much on the inside. And the debts? They make life interesting, don't they? So, ah, I don't need to win the lottery. I have what I need - truly.

Or how about being famous? I've fantasized about that - famous like Angelina Jolie, an ambassador to the needy countries, traveling the world with all those kids, being photographed all the time, walking the red carpet with Brad... It would be nice, wouldn't it? Um, NO!

How about the perfect marriage? Anybody fantasize about that? I know I do, did, do, did. Ha - "I do!" Funny stuff, eh?

What it all comes down to is that every wish has a curse, and every fantasy has a drawback, and every desire should be quenched, not with things, but with acceptance of the situation. I'm broke. So what? I'm an average girl in America. So what? I'm a single mother of two very beautiful children - proof that my fantasy of the perfect marriage was a bit tainted, but so what?

Am I happy all the time? Nope. Am I sad all the time? Nope. Do I get lonely? Yep. Do I have awesome people in my life? Yep.

You know what I fantasize about these days? I fantasize about Thursday mornings after having played darts in the Wednesday night dart league. I joined a dart league so that for three hours, once a week, I can be Dart Queen. I'm good - better than average, really. I fantasize about waking up on Thursday mornings and feeling the pats on the back, hearing the compliments, and still wearing the Dart tiara from the previous night.

What would be even better than that though would be to wake up on Thursday morning wearing the tiara and looking out the window with Paige and Tony and seeing seven feet of snow. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

I guess I just have to settle for green grass and a tiara-less head though.

And that's really okay in the whole grand scheme of things because at least, unlike Angelina, I don't have to worry about being compared to Jennifer Aniston, or whether or not my accountant is stealing my money, or whether or not Brad will meet another leading lady. I just have to go to bed and wake up, look out the window, and be disappointed by the Maryland weather. But one day, I just might see a blizzard.

Ah, who am I kidding?

I Saw Her Today at the Reception

Since day one of 2009, I have been very motivated to do physical work. I retiled my kitchen and bathroom, had my pantry doors put in, and just a few minutes ago, I finished the painting the second coat on the trim and walls of my half-bathroom.

I wanted to write yesterday, sorted through the "novel" that needs revisions and made notes and then, nothing. All thoughts about writing just went away. So, I took a trip to Home Depot with an idea in my head and walked out with a deep purple paint and a vanilla white paint. After the first coat, the walls were Barney purple. "Oh boy Carrie, what were you thinking?" I painted the trim and then sat on the sofa at around 7pm to let it dry. As I sat there I thought about how pathetic it was that I was sitting on my couch on a Saturday night contemplating watching a movie without my children beside me.

That thought stops me - even now - and allows a little stab of loneliness into my heart.

My thoughts wandered to my kids throughout the day yesterday as I painted. I thought about how it is my responsibility to kinda, sorta sculpt their little souls -to push them toward always doing the right thing, to help them hear the little voice inside that compels them to be kind and gentle and confident! Sculpting their souls with my love so that they can be secure and confident and if not always happy, at least compelled to walk through the dark valleys and into the brightness that is so available to them.

As I painted I thought about how much love I have inside my heart as a daughter, a mother, a friend, sister and aunt. I thought about how much love that is inside my soul simply waiting for the man with whom I can share it. I thought about how fantastic when I find the man that sings to me: "Loving you is a man's job, baby!" (It helps that Springsteen sings it to me nearly every day too).

Anyway, I sat on the couch and had that first pathetic thought of the day - otherwise I was just really busy and enlightened by great music. The sadness was trying to seep in last night. Then my phone rang. My neighbors wanted to know if I wanted to join them for a beer. I thought about it for nearly two seconds, hopped up from the couch and jumped in the shower.

We sat at the familiar restaurant and talked about life; how great life is when you are surrounded by good people; when the familiar faces and off-colored jokes bring warmth. We talked about religion and our beliefs in goodness, we talked about that love in the soul, about the goodness of the core.

And I am very grateful.

I wanted to make this weekend about writing. I wanted to fall deeply into that writer trance and move through it and find that ecstasy of writing meaningful passages. (It's a natural high, really). I wanted that.

About ten minutes ago, I was painting the trim again and the Rolling Stones came on my i-pod. I spent the morning listening to a mix of Bruce, Mellencamp, Tracy Chapman, Pink and several other artists. I was waiting for that song that would move me. I never imagined it would be the Stones.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

Who knows, maybe all this re-decorating and re-furbishing is really about putting the final touches on my own soul. I've had a lot of help sculpting it, but now, now I am getting what I need to make it a comfortable home; a soft place to rest my head.

Who Needs a Honey?

Perhaps it is the way Venus has entered the planetary scheme along the milky way, and how the planets near the moon are aligning in the third house of Pisces (really, I have no idea what I am talking about!), but I am on a roll. I finally bought new pantry doors (and with the help of my neighbor, "Schneider", they are installed). I also bought new vinyl flooring for my kitchen (can't afford the real stuff!) and put it down all by myself and it looks fan-effing-tastic! I was up until 3am finishing it up, but that doesn't matter.

Last night, I was up until midnight making a to-do list... for today, tomorrow and throughout the year. I am proud to say that I completed everything on that list - right down to clipping the kids finger and toe nails. In addition, I spent quality time with the children.

At midnight, on New Year's Eve, I had already partaken in a couple drinks in celebration of thoroughly cleaning the slate in '08. It was about ten minutes before the ball dropped and since I didn't have my children there, I had no one to kiss except for some really great friends. So I did. The thought that went through my head was that I could spend 2009 alone, but if I did, I would get some things done that I want done. The mint green color in the mudroom that he picked out (against my wishes)? Gone. The light blue in the downstairs bathroom that he picked out (against my wishes)? Gone. Same with the kitchen flooring and all those things that were on the honey-do list for years while my honey-did other, ahem, things. I can do it all by myself. It's kinda cool.

Laundry folded, leaves blown, windows cleaned, flooring (close to) finished, dishes done, dinner made, playtime with kids, nails clipped, church, clean playroom, picked up bedrooms, vacuuming... DONE! It's 6pm, dinner is finished, kids are relaxing before their bath and I have two hours before bedtime to snuggle with them.

Tomorrow it starts all over, but alas, it is Monday. Work will fill the empty space in my brain. What it comes down to for this year: Resolution Number One, perhaps: I will not be lonely this year. I'll be too busy to care.