I Saw Her Today at the Reception

Since day one of 2009, I have been very motivated to do physical work. I retiled my kitchen and bathroom, had my pantry doors put in, and just a few minutes ago, I finished the painting the second coat on the trim and walls of my half-bathroom.

I wanted to write yesterday, sorted through the "novel" that needs revisions and made notes and then, nothing. All thoughts about writing just went away. So, I took a trip to Home Depot with an idea in my head and walked out with a deep purple paint and a vanilla white paint. After the first coat, the walls were Barney purple. "Oh boy Carrie, what were you thinking?" I painted the trim and then sat on the sofa at around 7pm to let it dry. As I sat there I thought about how pathetic it was that I was sitting on my couch on a Saturday night contemplating watching a movie without my children beside me.

That thought stops me - even now - and allows a little stab of loneliness into my heart.

My thoughts wandered to my kids throughout the day yesterday as I painted. I thought about how it is my responsibility to kinda, sorta sculpt their little souls -to push them toward always doing the right thing, to help them hear the little voice inside that compels them to be kind and gentle and confident! Sculpting their souls with my love so that they can be secure and confident and if not always happy, at least compelled to walk through the dark valleys and into the brightness that is so available to them.

As I painted I thought about how much love I have inside my heart as a daughter, a mother, a friend, sister and aunt. I thought about how much love that is inside my soul simply waiting for the man with whom I can share it. I thought about how fantastic when I find the man that sings to me: "Loving you is a man's job, baby!" (It helps that Springsteen sings it to me nearly every day too).

Anyway, I sat on the couch and had that first pathetic thought of the day - otherwise I was just really busy and enlightened by great music. The sadness was trying to seep in last night. Then my phone rang. My neighbors wanted to know if I wanted to join them for a beer. I thought about it for nearly two seconds, hopped up from the couch and jumped in the shower.

We sat at the familiar restaurant and talked about life; how great life is when you are surrounded by good people; when the familiar faces and off-colored jokes bring warmth. We talked about religion and our beliefs in goodness, we talked about that love in the soul, about the goodness of the core.

And I am very grateful.

I wanted to make this weekend about writing. I wanted to fall deeply into that writer trance and move through it and find that ecstasy of writing meaningful passages. (It's a natural high, really). I wanted that.

About ten minutes ago, I was painting the trim again and the Rolling Stones came on my i-pod. I spent the morning listening to a mix of Bruce, Mellencamp, Tracy Chapman, Pink and several other artists. I was waiting for that song that would move me. I never imagined it would be the Stones.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

Who knows, maybe all this re-decorating and re-furbishing is really about putting the final touches on my own soul. I've had a lot of help sculpting it, but now, now I am getting what I need to make it a comfortable home; a soft place to rest my head.