Conquering the Ripple-Effect

I have discovered Facebook in the last couple months, and wow, it's pretty cool. I am back in regular contact with friends from high school, college and law school. It's an amazing tool for the web - so easy to eavesdrop on the lives of your friends without actually talking to them every day.

A couple weeks ago, I discovered that my ex and his girlfriend were now officially "In a Relationship" and I got to see pictures of their most recent get-away. I know, I know, why even go there Carrie? Can't help it, I'm human. It's okay though because since then I haven't even bothered to look. It does nothing for me.

This morning, there were pictures posted of Paige and Tony with all their cousins, my ex sister-in-law, ex cousins, etc. It was so great to see their faces smiling, and the kids really enjoying that side of the family. I only have warmth in my heart for all of his family, and sometimes I miss his Mom so much that I have to shake the thoughts from my head because I am afraid of the grief. (I haven't talked to her in over a year). Anyway, I looked at the pictures and truly enjoyed seeing them.

What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of emotion that hit me in church as I thought about the pictures. I thought about how screwed up it was that I wasn't there with them; about how when I married, I made myself part of that family, by choice and in simplicity. And it's kind of sad to know that I'm the odd man out now, but I am so grateful that I wasn't entirely booted away. Other than his parents, they still embrace me and respect me, so it's good.

I can understand how difficult it is to let go of resentment and bitterness. I've finally let go of loving my husband - realizing how I can go on, successfully, without him. I didn't even realize until today that I was losing a family by virtue of his departure, and it was a family I had grown to love, and I'd like to think, had grown to love me. And it makes me so mad at him for this loss too. I understand it, I truly do, but damn, the divorce effects so many things... so many. (The anger came and went - it's getting much easier to let go of it now because it is so toxic to any growth).

Seeing those pictures today reminded me of that, and coupled with missing my children as I always do when they are away for the weekend, I grew incredibly lonely.

Ah, yet another reason to persevere. I am going to be super-human one of these days with all the strength these struggles bring.