In June of 2006, Jeff handed me a burned copy of Springsteen live in Dublin.
"It's awesome," was all he said. I put it in my cd cabinet and never listened to it, until yesterday and all day today.
It's awesome.
I picked the kids up from school early today so that I could spend 4 or 5 hours with them before they went with their daddy for the weekend. They were a little tired, so we cuddled on the sofa and I rubbed Tony's buzz cut, feeling it's softness (like a puppy)for nearly an hour. He loved it, and I fell into a trance as we sat together. Paige had her head on my lap, and I laid a comfortable hand on it, and just felt the closeness, and the love between us.
After the kids left, I fastened the headphones to my ears and jumped on the lawn mower. The songs were incredible. I fell into a rhythm with the mowing, and smelled the fresh cut grass, tasted the saltiness of my lips, and heard each note, every word of every song loud and clear.
The sunset was full tonight, turning the entire sky and horizon a vibrant orange. I saw it through the leafy green trees as I drove familiar roads on an errand.
The ache in my heart is still there. The longing and emptiness, the feeling of complete ordinariness that now exists in my life,the shock of his death sits in stagnant waters while I move through this life. And then, a tidal wave blows through it, and nothing makes sense, very little has meaning in those moments.
But noticing the love of and from my children, the brilliant sky, the Springsteen CD, and the sound of his voice in my ear helps. It helps me realize that this is a mere transition.
Ah, I'll sum it up with Bruce. Thanks Jeff - I loved the CD and I like the words it has given me. Words that put my eyes back on the horizon.
Now I been out in the desert, just doin' my time
Searchin' through the dust, lookin' for a sign
If there's a light up ahead well brother I don't know
But I got this fever burnin' in my soul
So let's take the good times as they go
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road
One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know
And I'll meet you further on up the road.
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1 comment:
Carrie, you have it all correct and deep down you know it. You have the proper perspective of family first, even when those around you may not. Don't give in to the despair, it will lessen. Don't give in to the confusion swirling around you right now, it will start to make sense again soon. Trust me, it will.
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