Giving Thanks

Years have passed since writing here.  Events have broken me.  Events that I thought I could never overcome. Events that shook me to the core and made me afraid.  Afraid to say something, afraid not to say something, afraid to move forward, and afraid of traveling backwards.

But lately, I don't feel the same.  The events that broke me made me better.  The events that held me back, I barreled through.  Recently, I solved parts of the mystery of this life, and I found that if I do everything from my heart and I don't care what other people think of me, I can be happy and energetic all the time.  What comes from my heart is full-blown love, untarnished by my mind.  How can I go wrong?

In the future, I will be tested, even broken-hearted, but I have promised myself that everything thing I feel --- joy, sadness, love, compassion, happiness -- will come from the heart first, processed by the mind, of course.  But felt in the heart first.

Using this newfound beauty in my life, I've drafted a list of all things for which I am grateful:

1)  I am grateful for the love I saw pass between my parents on the day of my brother's funeral.
2) I am grateful for the love that swelled in my heart for my family on that same day.
3)  I am grateful for the marriage I had because it created the two most beautiful people I know.
4) I am grateful for the divorce -- and the pain I felt because of it.  It made me a great mom and an even better person.
5)  I am grateful for the fear that has held me back for nearly a decade.  Fuck that, I'm not grateful for that.  It's because of the fear that I couldn't recognize all the good.
6) I am grateful that I had the nerve to email LOML and ask him on a date.
7) I am grateful that we took things slow with introducing our kids to each other, and that they are now good friends.
8) I am grateful for the hawk that graces me with his presence every morning on my way into work.
9)  I am grateful for every coincidence.
10) I am grateful for every note in the End Credits of the Braveheart soundtrack.

I am grateful.  I am joyous.  I am hopeful. I am hearing, feeling and acting with my heart, and my mind is clear.

It's crazy how good I feel.  Thank you.