I am broken open wide again. How it happened, I have no idea. I was doing well, sandwiching my love for the kids between work and a social life, not leaving room for the heartbreak to sidle its way in between. But it sidled, and it isn't going away this time. Time. That will do it... it heals all wounds. It has been five months of this hell and I feel as raw today as I did back in August.
The dichotomy of loving and then saying good-bye is ironic to me. You build something with love as the foundation and then, hastily I might add, begin to tear it down, bit by bit. But isn't love the strongest of everything? How does it not endure? Or is it there but suffocated by all the other debris? Shouldn't it win out? How do you fall out of love? When you fall in love, I think, you make a choice to do it and it is a mutual choice among the parties. But falling out of love... is it the same? I don't think so and I am trying, for the first time in my life, I am trying and wanting my love to fail and go away and take all this pain with it. I want to fall out of it, even if I break my legs, my back, my neck, my head - it cannot be as painful.
I have a meditation book beside my bed and for the past few months I have been just opening up a random page and getting inspiration from it. It has helped. I have been able to keep moving forward. But today, I'm ignoring it. I am mad at it. I am angry that I am back here again. I am sick of it. I am sick of trying so hard.
My friends say get mad, harden your heart against him. It's so easy to want that, so easy to try doing it but so difficult to actually do. After all, I know him better than anyone else in this world, and I lived through the good and bad of this marriage with him and I have an intimate relationship with everything that happened. Nobody knows anything about it but him and I.
And the thought that came to me yesterday as I hugged my daughter was "well, at least I have these two kids from him. I can continue to love him through them because he is part of them. Our blood merged so that I may always love him." I truly don't want to love him anymore. I don't. And I pray that the love I feel is destroyed somehow, a tragic fire in my heart that obliterates it and leaves nothing of it - not even one single memory that can spark it again. Time. Nothing but time.
1 comment:
Actually hating someone is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat. I remember hearing that, and it sort of makes a lot of sense. Perhaps it is not hardening your heart that you're striving or praying for - perhaps its simple acceptance that should be the goal - again, not easy, but there eventually. Eventually, it'll come. Love is hard to find, and impossible to wish away, but 'ain't nobody gonna' give nobody what they need anyway.'
It's too late in this particular game to get back what you want, but there's another game out there waiting for you to play in it.
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