Retrospect and a Gut Check

Hindsight is 20/20. It is also the wayward brother of regret. It is Cain, not necessarily slewing Abel, but more like Cain slewing the little brother he might have had if he hadn't screwed up so royally. It gives perspective, right? Hindsight is a often considered a positive thing because it enables one to gain experience so that there are no two same mistakes. I argue to the contrary. I argue that intuition is what enables you to avoid the harm of bad decisions. I would much rather follow my gut on things. I will get to the advantages of intuition in a minute. But right now I need to rip a new one into hindsight.

It is the worm that gets under your skin and burrows its way into your psyche, sliming its way into your memories and leaving a trail of ick. Yeah, there is probably a better word for it, but ick is what I use because it wrenches my hatred for hindsight from the depths of my dark thoughts, and in so doing, puts it into perspective. The only time one looks back in hindsight is when something negative has happened, and it's not as though one looks back in hindsight and says "oh, that was the right way to go". If that's the case, one needn't look back at all. If the decision was correct, there is no reason to pause and reflect. Ick. And it's not like hindsight allows the luxury of opting to look back - it comes automatically, an involuntary muscle in the workings of the mind. It just comes uninvited, in dreams, in the crisp morning when the eyes open to find it displayed on the ceiling like a scene from the discovery channel in HD and all.

Cold sweats haunt me these days, I wake in my shorts and tank top, soaking wet, my hair sticky. And it is hindsight turning up the heat. I can do nothing but strip off another layer of clothes and hope that one day the haunting will be over, that I won't be embracing hindsight because it is the only comfort against the regret that comes from such reflection.

Now, intuition, that telling feeling in the gut doling out answers. It provides the answer to complex questions, and gives insight into the how-to of backtracking and changing things that might be screwed up in one's life. Intuition is the phone call that must be answered. It is a gift from God, and fine tuning your skills to recognize it is vital because it is the voice of God. I firmly believe that. It comes from the part of your soul where He resides and it's pure, white and spot free - protected from the mud and muck and mire of everyday. It is free from the evils of hindsight, fear and blame. In short, intuition is the cake that feeds your sweet tooth.

Why I feel this way is simple. Three years ago, my gut was screaming at me, yelling at me, beating on my skull and arguing with me, telling me to make a sharp turn off the path that I was on. It went so far as to allow me glimpses into my future without the chaos of what was present in my life. And I turned away from it. I opted instead, to try suffocating it with excuses; to tie a noose made of knotted excuses around its neck; to hold its head beneath a pool of excuses; to shine the diamond on my hand with excuses; to dive deeply into the entrenchment of previous values, or what I thought were of value; to ignore it as you would an incessant fly at a picnic. And I did. And I did. And I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have because I wouldn't be sitting here, choking on hindsight as I listlessly rest on a bed of regret. I shouldn't have opted for that cold slice of pizza to feed my sweet tooth. I should have gone for the cake. I shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Oh, if only I had gotten up and baked a damn cake!