Turn on the Light

It's not often that I get angry... very rarely do I lose my temper and let loose on people. I suppose I am a lover, not a fighter. (Although I haven't been much of a lover either). Yet, in the past four weeks, I've gotten in two arguments with my sister (the last time we fought was when I was 14), I hung up on my father, had words with my sister-in-law, and became a rather onery person. These incidences all occurred within a three day window, and after I took a three day break from speaking to anyone, I called and apologized. I very much doubt that I'll take out my frustration over all that is happening on anyone again.

This morning, I woke in a foul mood. I think my first thought was, "Yippee. Another f-ing day." I snuck downstairs without waking the kids, and started my coffee. I glanced out the window, saw that the ground was covered with snow that was covered with ice crystals, and thought, "Yippee. Another cold day without the sun." Soon after, I heard Paige's little feet coming down the stairs, and I thought, "Jeez, I just wanted one cup of coffee in the quiet morning without the kids..." I put a smile on my face and greeted her. Her eyes were bright, her smile huge and she said, "Good morning Mommy. I slept really well. How did you sleep?" She was already enfolded in my arms as she finished the sentence. I smelled the top of her head and kissed her gently.

Did it turn my mood around?

I wish that it had, but it didn't. I certainly smiled and we talked and I wasn't focused on my mood so much, but it's a mere distraction because here I am, angrily typing while they laugh and play in the background.

What it comes down to is this (and it may seem so selfish and I'm sure I'll feel guilty over it): I am pissed off at the situation - having no one to really blame, but pissed off nonetheless. 2009 was my year to get myself back in order. 2009 was my year to sort out my life - to use all the lessons about faith and hope that I gained during my two years of chaos - and get back on track. It was supposed to be an easy year. I was stepping out of the tunnel and into the bright sunlight. I even had both big toes getting heated by that sun.

You know what happened? Someone came along and built 6000 more miles of tunnel in front of me, squishing my toes in the process, and now I am just standing, trying to get my toes unstuck. I don't know which way to go right now. It is unsettling, to say the least. I totally understand why people become complacent and suffer from ennui. It's very hard to keep moving when there are possibilities of boulders, arrows and daggers pointed at you.

But go on, we must. I'll keep moving through the dark. I'd like to sit down, cross my arms over my chest in protection and carelessly wait. It's not going to happen though. Two kids, a job, a family that needs me right now... can't happen.

What is the saying? Suck it up, tough it out and do the best you can? I can't remember. Whatever. At least I know enough not to take my anger out on anyone, including myself.

I am not totally without hope, but it's playing hide and seek with me right now, and I can't seem to find the light switch.