Waah, waah, waah. I'm hideous

 Who knew the release of a book came with emotional baggage? Since announcing the release of Eyes on the Horizon and then seeing it for sale online, my nights have become sleepless. Is it good enough? Will my readers understand what I'm trying to say? Did I say it clearly?

The answer to each of these questions is YES! and NO! and I DON'T KNOW!

It took a minute, but I had the epiphany that not all the readers will like it or understand it.  And I'll never know if I said it clearly because as Einstein might stay, clearly is relative.

But enough about the book. I'll have plenty of time to ruminate about that. I want to talk about the emotional baggage that I've been carrying for so many years and thought I had shed. The baggage is there, stuffed into plastic garbage bags, taken to the street and dropped at the dump for a time... all  those secret (not so secret from my husband and loved ones) insecurities that rear their ugly heads just when I think I've beaten them down and dumped them.

I'm in my 50s for crying out loud! Enough with the emotional baggage and whiny insecurities. Yet, I think it's the human condition.

I'm late to the game but I've been binging Game of Thrones. It was popular for a reason because it highlights that human condition. The fear that breeds evil, the need for power that never abolishes the deep insecurities. And there are quite a few psychopaths in there. I cheer when they're shamed or sliced or beaten. I cheer when the good overcomes. I cry every time a freaking dire wolf yelps.

Prior to this binge, I watched Ted Lasso. It is and will always be one of  my favorite shows because the human condition is highlighted there as well.  All the weird things we say and do to keep our secrets hidden until one day - or many days - they're not. It's full of joy and kindness, fear and worry. It's the kind of show that needs to be made. Happy tears, poignant tears and hearty laughs.

What was it that made me so unsure of myself? So replete with doubt that I freeze in a swirl of thoughts and anxiety?

I remember going to a Tony Robbins event one time. It was when I was at the peak of my insecurities and I wanted to banish them forever.  We were put into groups of three and the instructions were to make a statement about yourself that you believe is true but others may not see or even know you think it.  My statement was: "I'm so fat and ugly, and I'll never accomplish anything."

How's that for horrible?

Anyway, we were told to make the statement and then have the other two people react to it.  I made the statement and one of the people responded by saying, "Oh my God, you're not fat or ugly. You can do anything!" Very sweet, indeed.

The other person put his hands to his sides, lowered his head and shoulders and in the whiniest voice I ever heard said, "Oh poor me. I'm so fat and so ugly and I'll never accomplish anything." He sort of stomped his foot and then wailed like a baby. "Waaah, waah, waah, I'm horrible. Hideous!"  

He repeated it until we were all bent over laughing. 

It was the best lesson I've ever gotten about self-esteem and it depleted about 85% of my insecurities from that day forward. 

The remaining 15% are vicious,  I won't lie. Yet, when I start to feel lousy, I think in a whiny voice "Waah, waah, waah. I'm hideous." It breaks it for me and I'll forever be grateful to the stranger who made fun of me.

So I'm anxious about the book and about people's reactions to it. Waah.

People may hate it. Waah.

People may love it. Yeah?

People may need it. Yeah?

I wrote a book and became vulnerable in those pages. I shared a part of myself, a part of the human condition that messed me up, a part of the human condition that helped me soar. 

I wrote a book and released it out into the world. 

I'm halfway done with book number 2. It's about dogs. Lots and lots of dogs. Yeah?

Yeah.