How Are You?

The day was long and lonely. I spent the first ten hours that I was awake feeling overwhelmed - unable to get a hold of anything. I did some work, wrote correspondence, made a few phone calls, answered a few emails, and then simply shut down. I was trying to sort through my finances, figure out my career, determine my visit with Jeff this weekend, contemplate turning 37 on Sunday, and prepping for dinner. My lawyer called to see if the trial was still on. We haven't signed the settlement agreement yet, because, wonder of all wonders, we couldn't agree on all the little things. So I called my husband to see where he stood on it. We talked cordially and then, well it snowballed into blame and anger and I had to hang up. There was way too much fighting for my emotions, this is one that had been stapled up and covered in several band-aids. I simply couldn't afford to open that wound back up.

I got Paige off the bus, she buckled herself into the car seat and we set off to get Tony. My brother called as we were getting back into the car to head for home. I said, "Oh please give me some good news, I cannot handle anything else right now." And he did, he gave me an update on Jeff and had a real positive attitude. He had been hit by the faith and hope fairy that afternoon. When we pulled into the drive-way, I was still talking to him. Paige said, "Mommy, excuse me, can you tell him to hold?" I did, covered the phone and said, "Yes?" Tears were forming in her eyes and she said, "I didn't have my seat belt on all the way home." I said, "Why?" And she started crying, "I thought you buckled me in and when I realized you didn't, I didn't want to tell you because you were on the phone." My brother heard everything and said, "You're turning into Britney Spears." We laughed as I hugged Paige and gathered the backpacks, mail, lunch boxes and my purse and went into the house.

Still talking to my brother about Jeff, I looked around to find Tony. He was still in the truck, buckled into his three-point harness! I walked out there, told Cliff I had left him in the truck, and confessed to another Britney Spears moment.

After that, I gave my attention to the kids... until the phone rang (my financial advisor) and again (my lawyer) and again (my cousin Sally). All of them asked me how I was before beginning to talk. How are you? Simple phrase, and meaningful. My answer was: "Eh." My mood had lifted with Cliff, but after the conversation with Sally, I felt better, much better. There is always that one person, I've found, on a shitty day who calls and says something that simply puts things into perspective. I don't know if she knew she did something wonderful, but I sure felt it for a while.

The evening progressed nicely. Kids were fed, adored, bathed and ready for bed. And the phone rang. Caller I.D. It was daddy. I picked up the phone and handed it to Paige, to tired for superficial greetings. He asked to speak to me. In the seconds it took to put the phone to my ear, I panicked, grew angry, grew tired and resigned myself to not be bothered by whatever we said to each other.

"Hello."
"Uh, hi. I just wanted to know, ah, how are you?"
I think I grunted a little. "I mean, how are you? How are you handling things?"
It was silent because I was stunned, and I said, "I'm a mess."
Silence. Nothing.
"But I'll get through it," I added.
"Oh good. I know you'll get through it."
"Yeah, I've gotten through worse already." I answered.
"Well, that's all I wanted to know."

Oh, okay.

I spent the next eight hours thinking this conversation over. Dissecting it. Why did he ask? Was it a moment of clarity? Weakness? Strategy? I wish I would have answered differently! I wish I would have answered in one of these two ways:

Alternative #1: "How am I? I am lonely, tired, going through the the top two most difficult things in my life with Jeff being sick and you are in love with someone else and seeking solace in the knowledge of my comfort? I am not fine. My heart is still broken, I am still in shock, I am overwhelmed and I am without the husband that promised to me in front of God to struggle through a life together - through thick and thin. How am I? I feel just as out of control, a little less hurt inside and as heartbroken as the day you left me - but you failed to call me on that day. Please don't ask me how I am because I have a wound that cuts so deep in my heart that a kind word from you might possibly break it open and cause me to bleed to death. I'd rather you remain cold-hearted and abrasive. Save the heat for the new love of your life."

Alternative #2: "Fine, and you?"

But of course, I answered truthfully.

I am fine. Just dandy. Never been better.