Mother's Little Helper

The Stones have a song called Mother's Little Helper, and it's a song about the mama in distress reaching for a pill to get her through bathtime, dinnertime and off into dreamland.

Man, I wish I had one of those pills.

Of course, as a mother, I don't think I really need it. I mean, the kids ground me. It's the moments I spend alone and inside my head that I need help with. Obviously, alcohol doesn't work and the hangover sits like a blistered canker sore in your mouth throughout the day, making sleep less possible, making the ennui greater.

I spent two years going through my soul. I discarded the unpleasant things, redefined my husband into something more or less palatable (depending on the day) just so that I could chew and swallow the divorce. I spent time reading, crying, and purging my soul to become a better person. All the while I did this, I imagined that some sort of miracle would occur in my life, and that all my dreams would be answered because I had suffered so much.

Where is that miracle? And is this the correct longing to have? Success comes from hard work, determination, blah, blah, blah... but what is the success? What is it that I want? What is it that I expect to be the miracle? Winning the lottery? Money won't take the pain away; money won't give me a greater understanding of my husband's motives; money will not make the unknowns any more visible. What if I fell in love again? I just read a quote from a book, and I'll paraphrase what she said... if she gives her glass heart away, and falls deeply in love again, she is destined for it to be broken one way or another (death or departure)... deep thought, but then she goes on to describe the inevitable heartbreak as the "loveliness of love." Healthy viewpoint?

The answer isn't a mother's little helper pill. The answer isn't money, or falling into a romantic love. Yet, yet there are miracles. I'm grasping the answer as I type... on the tip of my tongue. I don't need a pill when I'm with my children, I don't need a pill when I'm laughing with friends and family...

So, the miracle is love. LOVE: our little helper.

I still feel the canker sore, but with a little more help, it'll heal. It will heal, and hope will soar.