Wonderland

I spent the day painting again. My first go at the downstairs bathroom resulted in a Barney purple catastrophe, and so I've lightened the shade to a lovely lilac, that gives light to the days that have passed over the past two months.

In my mind, I was always certain that the shadows of death would greet me when I was ready, when the time was right for me to entertain the idea of a catostrophic death such as what has just occurred. As I painted, I thought about the worth of people - how the book that Jeff was in had been written. My brother called him a "walking celebration" and there probably isn't a more apt title for him.

We stand ankle deep in the muck of our own hesitancies toward writing our own book, and it's so sad, especially when the death of a walking celebration has to occur in order to understand that. My best friend Bruce says it much more succinctly than I ever could, so I give the floor to him for a moment:


Your clothes give way to the current and river stone
'Till every trace of who you ever were is gone
And the things of the earth they make their claim
That the things of heaven may do the same
Goodbye, my darling, for your love I give God thanks.

There is not much I understand about the death of someone so animated, so unique and so young with three children and a young marriage. There is no capacity in my little, unknowing mind, to even try to understand it. And it's easy to get angry, I suppose, and to have regrets, and to feel the darkness of that vacancy. It's easier to do that sometimes than to relish in the blessings of it all. It seems to disparage his life when you try to find blessings from his death... it seems callous and hard, yet, the only choice any of us have in living our own life is to do just that. I've walked through the darkness of hopelessness and despair and pain and desperation and I simply refuse to do that again. Grieving does not give way to the darkness, if that makes sense. Grieving does not open a path to darkness. It seems that grieving gives the opportunity to put back together the things that have fallen apart.... grieving allows the things of the earth to make their claim so that the things of heaven may do the same. That's my understanding of this right now. That's my blessing.

The traces of light one may find in this life on earth are incredibly miniscule when one thinks about the walking celebration as he moves through heaven. And for that love, I give God thanks.