Running on Empty

Thanks to the human heart by which we live,
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

These are the last four lines of a poem written by William Wordsworth titled Ode on
Intimations of Immortality.

The thoughts I've had lately lie too deep for tears, which explains why my stomach is turning everything over and over, even though my appetite has been less than normal under any circumstances. Maybe the thoughts aren't deep, but there is definitely an overload of thoughts. If my head had a red danger light, it would be flashing, the horn blasting to all who come into contact with me. Too much, too fast and for far too long. I'm tired. So tired of the past two years and the upcoming two years. I'm tired, and tears won't come. Just headaches, irregular heart palpitations and stomach cramps.

I am going to try to obliterate some of the stress by running today - to the point of having to puke, I know that. Once I start, I can't let up, even though it's probably insane, even though my head will probably hurt worse,even though my stomach is sure to punish me for it. I have to run. Too much stress on my back these days.

And what do I do on top of my own thoughts? I throw worry about my family's health (not just Jeff) but everyone else's too because I know that they're suffering too. I want to cry it out. I want to sleep and wake up clear. The thoughts are too deep for that. Ah, but the human heart expands and contracts to make room for all emotions, and perhaps tomorrow, I will face joy. I have to believe that tomorrow, I just might face joy.