Looks Like Sunshine

It feels like Spring in Maryland this weekend. The temperature was in the mid-60s (balmy after the 20s last week). I just sat on my back porch, third cup of coffee in my hand and watched as Gracie took a defensive stance and barked at the gray clouds invading the bright blue sky. I shushed her when she first barked, because naturally I was embarassed. What kind of dog barks at the clouds? But then I just let her go on - she was so intent on watching them and so intent on trying to intimidate them that I think she just wants it to be a beautiful day - clouds be damned.

I want it to be a beautiful day too. I know that it can be. I know the secret to many beautiful days, and it has nothing to do with the weather. I had a conversation with a (new) friend of mine last night. She was happy and upbeat and said that it must have something to do with the weather being so nice - that the sunshine and shedding of winter coats lightened her mood. I can't disagree. Yet, yesterday I spent the day inside. I spent the day cleaning my house, tired, calling to check on my brother's condition and avoiding noticing much of anything. I am sure I went outside, but the balmy weather didn't change my mood. I didn't have many thoughts or emotions either way - not happy, not sad, just complacent and very sure of my place in this life. Very sure.

Unlike Gracie, I am aware that troubles cannot be intimidated with a bark and a growl. Yet, they can be put into perspective, nudged into their own little compartments, and dealt with steadily.

I went out with friends last night, my heart somewhat heavy with guilt because what I wouldn't give to be sitting with my brother and shooting the poop with the rest of the family instead of sipping beers and singing with the band. The first song the band played last night was "Born to Run" and the lead singer sang the crap out of it and his guitar-playing abilities are like the feel of velvet on your fingertips. For the first three notes, tears sprang to my eyes - you see, the thought of Jeff doesn't leave my mind and hearing a Springsteen song these days lowers my "social" defenses (and I'm totally fine with that because it's real). I lifted my beer in a toast to him, and by the sixth note was singing along. My guilt over not being there was lifted because I realized there's not much I can do - and sitting home worrying and feeling lonely does nothing. So, I compartmentalized those troubling thoughts and worries and enjoyed my friends and the music.

Today I'll go to church and listen, and pray and feel that all is right with this world because, well, it is. The gray clouds have moved on, the sky in Maryland is simply gorgeous right now, and the love in my heart, despite what we are going through right now, is real and true and joyful. I am content and confident, and happy... and it's way deeper than anything I have ever known in my life.

It's not the weather, it's my soul- lifted, and full of hope and faith and love.

Oh, What Love Can Do - "darling, I can't stop the rain or turn your dark skies blue, but let me show you what love can do..." I love my best friend Bruce.