Check Yourself

Pieces have been tumbling over each other lately. All the various pieces of my life seem to be hitting a wall, throwing everything back at me, and I'm caught up in the juggling of it all. Life is okay if one thing is wrong - I can handle that. Then, something else gets thrown in, and although wobbling, I seem to still be standing. And then the mother of all bad things happens - a critical injury to someone who has a heated place in your heart, a comfy room, his own covey. And the realization that he might have died hits, and that in itself is two-by-four across the forehead. Then you begin to think about his life, his worries, his upcoming struggles, and the crap just keeps bouncing off the walls - aiming straight for your vital body parts.

Tomorrow is f***ing mediation, and I am struggling with holding those bouncy balls inside me because I just don't want to deal with the fact that the divorce is imminent. I don't know if I am ready for that emotional hurdle yet. I keep saying that I am, but when it comes to having to sign on that dotted line, I know my hand is going to be shaking. It's like signing away one of those vital body parts. The vow is still stitched in. And the talks will be about money, and anyone who knows me, truly, knows that money is so not important to me. But my kids are, and their stability is, so we must. I am simply dreading the aftermath of how I will be defined by his lawyer tomorrow. I should be hardened to it by now, but alas, I am not.

The kids have been great. They grew very crabby today, and were pushing each other and calling each other names. Enough! It's nap time. Boy, they fought me like crazy, but as soon as I got them snuggled beside me in my bed, read two long stories to them, they barely acknowledged my departure through their sleep eyes. They slept for nearly two hours, and tonight at dinner, both of them agreed that the nap was the best thing ever. They are happily playing together, waiting for me to finish this so I can give them a bath. Lovely, lovely children - the blessings of this now-defunct marriage. A little sad, isn't it?

Okay, check yourself Carrie.

They are lovely, lovely children... I'll leave the thought at that. I wish I could stop all the negative thoughts like that. But sometimes, they just exist to be banished I suppose - replaced by relief and closure. Oh, dear, when? When?