Lessons

It's been a heck of a week.  A HECK of a week.  I learned a few things:

1.  When you tell your kids not to hit each other, they'll pinch each other.

2.  Sometimes you regret the words you couldn't say more than you regret the words you did say.

3.  Sending out resumes to jobs you don't really want, kinda sucks.

4.  Wishing you could win the lottery is not nearly as much fun as it is to pretend that you did win it.

5.  If I could write all day, every day and make a living, I'd be a very happy woman.

5.  When you tell your kids not to hit or pinch each other, they'll kick each other.

6.  iCarly is a rather humorous show, and I'm likely to watch it while the kids are away for a week vacation with their dad.

7.  The thought of a week away from the kids, starting tomorrow, kinda sucks.

8.  The past is always lurking in the present, ready to pounce on you.

9.  My son, though he doesn't know it, might be the most romantic boy in the world.  How do I know?  He said to me the other day:  "Sometimes I take a nap at Daddy's just so I can go to sleep and dream about you."  (Yeah, I know)

10. When you tell your kids not to hit or pinch or kick each other, they'll bite each other.

11. Sometimes a floor puzzle is all you need to bond with your child and turn the day around.

12.   I miss my sister and cannot wait to Skype with her soon.

13. After spending hours cleaning up the muddy mess your little bastard, Enzo makes, there is still more mud to be cleaned up.  (It was like Cujo took over the house). 

14. When Paige touched my cheek and said she thought I was the most beautiful woman at Tony's football practice, my heart jumped with joy and gratitude.

15.  It is possible to cry with joy for someone else while feeling sorrow and regret because of that joy.

16. Tony can make me laugh all the time.  Two examples:  At a Chinese restaurant he was inhaling Lo Mein and he said, "I wish I was a noodle so I could eat myself;" and after I asked him if he liked playing football, he looked me square in the eye and said, "It sucks.  Bad."

17.  When you get fed up and bite your hand to stop from screaming at your kids, they pay attention and stop hitting, pinching, kicking and biting eachother.

That's all I have for now.  It's been a heck of a week, I tell ya.

Good News / Bad News

Good News:

There was a 2 hour thunderstorm yesterday that sent the 100 degree weather away.

Bad News:

- Enzo, the little bastard, found the muddiest spot in the yard to dig a hole.

- After soaking himself in mud from head to toe, he barreled up the deck stairs and proceeded to jump against the door, barking incessantly until someone let him in.

- Paige let him in and said, "Mom, um, Mom?  You need to see Enzo."  I walked down the hallway and saw muddy footprints and slides of mud on the hardwood floor, the rugs, the sofa and the kitchen floor.  I followed the trail with my eyes and did a double-take when I saw Enzo panting on the kitchen floor --chameleon-like because the floor is brown and rust, and so was he.

- "Bath time!"  Paige yelled.  Enzo leapt to his feet and ran the other way.  Somehow we got him upstairs into my bedroom and bathroom where I could use the shower to scrub him down. He leapt, rolled, panted, barked and jumped for about 15 minutes.

Good News:

- After we got him into the shower, he sat there and I swear he was moaning with pleasure as I soaped him up, praising him for being such a handsome bastard.

- I hadn't yet taken a shower yet so I wasn't required to re-wash my muddy arms, legs, hands, fingers, feet, toes and nostrils after the entire debacle.

Bad News:

- I had to mop the kitchen and living room floors; scrub every window where he leapt;  scrub the rugs and the couch and the blinds and the kitchen table and the refrigerator and the dishwasher, the ceiling fan and the entire upstairs hallway and master bedroom.

Good News:

- He's a handsome, clean bastard.

Renewed? Refreshed? Really tired...

Another beautiful day. The evening birds are singing - God, they must be tired, having been at it all day. I imagine they are saying, "Alleluia! Praise the Lord! It's not raining, and wow, look at all these sticks we can use to build a nest, and all these trees!" Fall has always been my favorite season, but for some reason, Spring is bringing everything together for me. Renewal! Teeming with life! The chance to use my hands to work magic - planting a garden that in the summer months will have me chopping, and yes, canning (if I can get a quick lesson from my mom), and savoring the new tastes. Okay, so maybe summer slipped in there a little bit, but it's all about Spring, isn't it? Isn't this when people fall in love? People start making babies? People start making vacation plans around this time... what to do during the summer. If I could sit out on this back deck every day, in the clean air, listening to nature, with a laptop and a cool drink in my hand, for just one hour everyday, I wouldn't need a vacation!

It seems that the stress has finally caught up with me. I've had an amazing handle on it - yes, I lost it a couple times - but, I've been good, not overly anxious, no panic attacks, nothing but a few tears now and then. I've handled work meticulously, the kids amazingly and this divorce, well, okay, I guess. But guess what? The work got busier, the kids are more tired and the divorce, the actual divorce, is just beginning to emerge its disgusting head. And what happened to me? I got a viral infection in my inner ear and it's causing vertigo. I stand, my head spins. I sit, my head spins. I lay down to bed, and yep, my head is spinning. This, of course, is without alcohol! I have spent the last four days walking around as though I just stepped off the Topple Tower Ride at an amusement park. On top of that, I noticed my neck was tightening, so I went to the gym to work off some stress. I ran, I lifted weights, I did the elliptical... and I felt good. Now? Not so good. I can hardly walk because the squats and lunges bit me back... oh, the pain of working too hard at the gym. I swear, if I could get up from this chair and march down to that gym again, I'd... shoot, I don't know what I'd do. The gym scares me, and this is only day one. I can only imagine how I'll feel tomorrow. But, I must say, my triceps, ghostly white as they are, look decent.

But back to my point. Wait. What was my point? This motion sickness medicine I am on is making me loopy, I think. Oh, yeah. Renewal. Spring! Working at the gym, planting a garden, catching a nap... I'm tired, whooo, really tired. I think I'll take a cat nap right here in this beautiful Spring weather to the tune of robins, cardinals, orioles and the occasional Mack truck speeding down the road... and wake refreshed, with less stress, and inevitably, sorer muscles. But no matter, shuffling along with painful muscles suits me right now... I need to slow down so that I can start thinking about my vegetable plants, and planning my summer vacation.

Karma?

I have learned quite a bit about myself as I've journeyed on the rough terrain of this divorce. I have also learned quite a bit about people in general, and about one person in particular. I have learned that trust is not always reciprocal, compassion is quite possibly non-existent in some people, and the golden rule does not apply in all situations. I have learned that I cannot control the emotions or mental processes of anyone but myself. I have learned that wanting happiness and getting it are two very different things - one is a beast that scratches at the heart and mind, the other is a salve for those scratches and is quite difficult to obtain and retain. The inability to control and the inability to retain are directly linked.

I have learned that life is indeed, chaotic. That the beauty and structure we see every day - the rising sun, the cascading streams of sunlight through the clouds, the winds shifting - are the only real parts that are not chaotic. It's a rather depressing thought, isn't it? I have opined that there is a reason for everything. I have believed that my entire life, but now, I don't believe it. I have learned that since life is chaotic, since bad things do happen beyond our control and beyond God's structured creation, fate and destiny are non-existent. We are all subject to our free will, and unfortunately, we are also subject to the free will of others.

Was I fated to spend the rest of my children's lives in Maryland, or am I forced to do so because of the free will of another person? Is it fate that directed him to walk away in such a cowardly, disgusting fashion, because I was supposed to spend the next fifteen years in a state that is absent of any immediate family members except my children? Is it possible to get over the regret of coming here in the first place? It is - the answer: Paige and Tony. I may never get over the regret of having such bad judgment in picking a mate to spend the rest of my life with - and finding that a heart that was always absent of hate for anyone or anything is now filled to the brim with it. Is it my emotional wreckage creating this hate? Does he deserve my hate? Absolutely. Getting back to my point, fate is not pre-determined, karma is just a phrase used to help people get by. The truth of the matter is, control is only found in our free will. Some things aren't chaotic - the migration of birds, the collection of honey by bees, the blooming of an orchid that amazingly looks like a cartoon image of a bunny rabbit, the breath-taking pink in a sunrise. Those are great things, but they have no relationship to my divorce. They exist, they are not chaotic, they are always present.

I am done relying on the assumption that everything happens for a reason, that what goes around comes around, that karma exists, and that the universe will take care of me. The fact of the matter is, it comes down to who has more money for the veteran lawyer, who has a higher degree of coldness, and my wants, my soft, idealistic wants mean nothing when it comes to the battle grounds. I am done relying on that optimism to get me through. A cold heart will suffice for now, and you know, that's the most depressing thought I've had since this all began.

I am not wallowing, I am not entirely hopeless, I am just realistic now. The chaos of other people, of this life, is out there. It is up to me, cold, calculating Carrie (yeah, right) to begin to take control, and sort through the chaos, and create structure. Losing my optimism in the process is a small price to pay for finding justice. Karma won't bring it around, but I can use my intelligence, my resources and a big fat loan from the bank, to get it.

Oh Brother: To Cliff

I finished the book in eight hours, with the kids screaming around me, with the impending drive to MD on my mind and well, I couldn't put it down.  It was so much better than the first read through, and so much more heartbreaking too!  And funny!  Damn, it was funny Cliff.  He was a character, an amazing, loving streaking clown of love!

You told the story of Jeff and you told the story of Dad, and you told the story of us, and you made the Fuzzy's known...

You did well. And I thank you.  I thank you with tears in my eyes, I thank you with a laugh on my lips, I thank you with a proud, proud smile on my face.

Thanks Cliff.  I love you.

Reflections on 2010

When I reflect on 2010, I am both filled with awe and filled with sorrow. I made it to August – 8 months – and had a decent year. I began the year on a low note, missing my brother and worried about what 2010 would bring. By the time I got passed the one year anniversary of his death (March 4), I had made up my mind to begin enjoying life. And from March through July, things were, dare I say, good? The best decision I made for myself in 2010 (perhaps in my entire life) was to go to the Wildacres Writing Workshop in the mountains of North Carolina for a week. It was there that I met some incredible people, learned some incredible writing techniques and fell in love. I fell in love with the possibilities that life provided and how easy it was to harvest from life if you make the decision to do so. I was harvesting during that week, harvesting and reaping and sowing and reaping again. Life was actually pretty awesome during that week and the three or so weeks after.

I can honestly say that I began to really appreciate the people I had in my life – the staples that made every day possible- my neighbors, my old friends, my new friends and my family. Oh, how they held me up when I was wobbly! They have no idea. I need to raise a toast to them, and maybe during this week and weekend without the kids, I will. I will name them all by name and say a prayer and wish them well. The list is long, so very long, and I am so very blessed.

My dad dying dropped me to my knees. It wasn’t expected (then again, is death ever expected?). The days that followed were unreal. I made them unreal, to tell the truth. I fell into a relationship that I now see was a real means to distraction and a real comfort to my vulnerability, and now that the window has been cleared of the fog, I see that it wasn’t real or true or even that good for me in the long run. But in the weeks following dad’s death, it was perfect. I’ve come to realize that this is how life works. I doubt that I would be writing right now had I not entered into a whirlwind relationship that ended just as abruptly as it started. It got me through the pain because it’s much easier to pretend you’re high in love when the alternative is falling into the darkness of complete despair. The loneliness following his death would’ve put me in a prison again. My “fake” love freed me and I am grateful for that too.

In contemplating this truth, I found that it opened up many more truths about me too – those that brought me comfort short-term (martinis and nights out and a lot of sleep and watching tv and listening to music and playing video games and failing to live beyond getting through a day and a new drama).

2010: before and after. The line is clear. I was just coming out of the short-term distractions and getting into those beautiful lifelong changes when another tragedy kicked me in the teeth.

And it’s okay. It’s okay.

I feel like I’ve had enough pain for awhile, yet I am not so naïve to think that since I’ve had three truly terrible years, I am protected from it. Yet, I am determined to break through to the truth this year – armored with the shield of my love – for God, for myself, for my children, for my family and for all those I see, hear, touch and feel. And I refuse to break through by sitting in my house and contemplating and thinking and self-helping. I am going to break through by living; by finding a Wildacres trip in every day; by living, damn it!

Life itself: terrible and wondrous, horrific and beautiful, terrifying and buoyant, lonely and joyful, real and unreal; and the only opportunity available to truly live and love.

Buffalo Hunting

This time of year, for the past three years, has been very difficult.  The Christmas season is supposed to be joyous; and sadly, it hasn't been for the past three years because it seems that I am always missing a pivotal person in my life while trying to maintain a level of enthusiasm for the children.  It's a tough position to be in because on the one hand, I am so excited for the kids, on the other, I am so confused about life.  And death.  And all the hell that happens in between.

I went through my depression over the past few weeks - trying so hard to get through each day without letting the weight of it all knock me sideways.

This is supposed to be my weekend without the kids, and fortuitously, I was able to have them this weekend rather than endure a weekend without them again. I think that has made a big difference in my attitude.  Their excitement about shufflin' off to Buffalo is unbelievable.  They are so very in tune with my family and with the joy that being in the presence of my family brings that I can't help but be excited about the upcoming gathering.

When I think about the people who will be so very apparently absent, I choke up.  Yet, when I think about the people who will be present (I use that word intentionally), I am filled with anticipation and enthusiasm.  I think that maybe this will be a new way to approach the holidays - not with sadness and dread, but with gratefulness and joy.  I still have so many incredible people in my life - my relatives! - that I would pick hanging out with over anybody else.  I have these incredible nieces that light up a room; I have these incredible nephews that create laughter in every instance; and the dogs - oh, how they can make us all commiserate and laugh; and of course, the wholeness, the strength, the longevity of a loving set of siblings, and a mother who can throw out one-liners like it's her job (and it has been her job!) and I look forward to it all.  To all of it!

I may be without a mate, but I am not alone.  I may be lonely on occasion, but I am not without support.  I may be aching, but I am not isolated in my pain.

Life is happening now.

I don't want it to happen without Jeff or Dad, but it is happening. 

Laughter still exists.
Love still exists.

Beyond the pain, they are there.

And joy still exists.  I plan on heaping it upon my plate this holiday... heaping and heaping and heaping it upon my plate until my plate runneth over, until my cup is full, until I am spewing a drink across the table in laughter, all over a sibling.  I plan on that.

I will not be disappointed.

Love.