Reflections on 2010

When I reflect on 2010, I am both filled with awe and filled with sorrow. I made it to August – 8 months – and had a decent year. I began the year on a low note, missing my brother and worried about what 2010 would bring. By the time I got passed the one year anniversary of his death (March 4), I had made up my mind to begin enjoying life. And from March through July, things were, dare I say, good? The best decision I made for myself in 2010 (perhaps in my entire life) was to go to the Wildacres Writing Workshop in the mountains of North Carolina for a week. It was there that I met some incredible people, learned some incredible writing techniques and fell in love. I fell in love with the possibilities that life provided and how easy it was to harvest from life if you make the decision to do so. I was harvesting during that week, harvesting and reaping and sowing and reaping again. Life was actually pretty awesome during that week and the three or so weeks after.

I can honestly say that I began to really appreciate the people I had in my life – the staples that made every day possible- my neighbors, my old friends, my new friends and my family. Oh, how they held me up when I was wobbly! They have no idea. I need to raise a toast to them, and maybe during this week and weekend without the kids, I will. I will name them all by name and say a prayer and wish them well. The list is long, so very long, and I am so very blessed.

My dad dying dropped me to my knees. It wasn’t expected (then again, is death ever expected?). The days that followed were unreal. I made them unreal, to tell the truth. I fell into a relationship that I now see was a real means to distraction and a real comfort to my vulnerability, and now that the window has been cleared of the fog, I see that it wasn’t real or true or even that good for me in the long run. But in the weeks following dad’s death, it was perfect. I’ve come to realize that this is how life works. I doubt that I would be writing right now had I not entered into a whirlwind relationship that ended just as abruptly as it started. It got me through the pain because it’s much easier to pretend you’re high in love when the alternative is falling into the darkness of complete despair. The loneliness following his death would’ve put me in a prison again. My “fake” love freed me and I am grateful for that too.

In contemplating this truth, I found that it opened up many more truths about me too – those that brought me comfort short-term (martinis and nights out and a lot of sleep and watching tv and listening to music and playing video games and failing to live beyond getting through a day and a new drama).

2010: before and after. The line is clear. I was just coming out of the short-term distractions and getting into those beautiful lifelong changes when another tragedy kicked me in the teeth.

And it’s okay. It’s okay.

I feel like I’ve had enough pain for awhile, yet I am not so naïve to think that since I’ve had three truly terrible years, I am protected from it. Yet, I am determined to break through to the truth this year – armored with the shield of my love – for God, for myself, for my children, for my family and for all those I see, hear, touch and feel. And I refuse to break through by sitting in my house and contemplating and thinking and self-helping. I am going to break through by living; by finding a Wildacres trip in every day; by living, damn it!

Life itself: terrible and wondrous, horrific and beautiful, terrifying and buoyant, lonely and joyful, real and unreal; and the only opportunity available to truly live and love.