Super!

A common question that people ask themselves after hard times is whether or not they would change things.  "If you could go back 20 years, would you change anything about your life?"

The usual response is "No."  And a number of reasons are given.

Me?  My answer?

"Hell yes!" And following is a list of what I would change:

1.  I'd still marry my ex and "allow" God his mercy of giving me Paige and Tony, but I would've left the minute Tony was born.  See ya.  I'm out.  Have a good life.

2.  I would have lowered my expectations of people in general.   The epiphany I had today is that I expect more from people than they are capable of giving.  Truth is, there are a lot of people that suck.  Yeah, yeah, they're all going through something which fogs their ability to give love, but what the hell?  It's not that difficult to do the right thing, and it's not that difficult to distinguish between right and wrong.  So people who consistently disregard the right thing are idiots (or DBs - dirtbags, if you're my dad, douchebags, if you're me), and I should expect that they're idiots.  I'll take the blame on this one, but from here on in, my expectations are way low - so low that the limberest limbo dancer cannot get under how low my expectations really are.

3.  Screw law school.  I would've gone to that university in New York City where I was accepted and I would already have 12 years of an MFA and professorship under my belt.

4.  I would have let go of the baggage that comes from being naive and surprised by the DBs of this world. (See number 2 above).

5. I would have moved back to Buffalo right after my ex left.  Enough said.  I dug my own hole on that one.

6.  I never would have picked up a cigarette and thus wouldn't have the need for Nicorette gum - which, by the way, has cost me so much money, it's ridiculous.

7.  Enzo? Hmmm... yeah, I still would have gotten Enzo.  (Be on the lookout for my rewrite to Clement C. Moore's (although the claim has also been made that it was written by Henry Livingston, Jr.) 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, retitled "Twas the Night Before Christmas (and Enzo)", which I am rewriting for the kids...).

8.  I'd still drink Patron and Grey Goose and Chardonnay and Carlo Rossi's Red Table Wine ($12 a gallon!), but I'd drink it with my brother Jeff and my dad, somehow, I'd drink it with them... because I would CHANGE EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF EVERY SINGLE DETAIL OF THEIR DEATHS and I would be an unsung, unknown hero.

9.  Yeah.

10. Yep.  Life would be different.

Number eight made me realize something.  It's still better to let love give what it gives.

Let love give what it gives.

- Yes, I married the wrong guy, but I have two incredible children because of it.

- Yes, I have high expectations of everyone I meet, but sometimes those expectations are met, and the reason I have them is because I am surrounded by people (my family, my friends) who consistently exceed my expectations.  If I didn't have them, how would I even know other people suck?

- Yes, I went to law school but I have a pretty decent job and I can read like a freakin' champ!  I could always write creatively, but to be able to write professionally and in such a way that I nearly always get what I want?  That's because of law school.  And I met some of the most incredible people I know at the University of Dayton School of Law!

- Okay, I'd still let go of the baggage from DBs.  (Douchebags, as I refer to them, Dirtbags as my dad always referred to them...)

- Okay, I still would've moved back to Buffalo - snow and all.  Enough said.  It hurts to think I didn't...

- Okay, cigarettes and nicotine are out! Out!

- Okay, Enzo is in.  Damn it!  That dog is a menace, but he's my menace...

- And okay, I'd still love to turn back the clock on the untimely deaths of two very important people in my life.  I'd like to talk with them more, know them more, appreciate them more; and hurt less by their absence.  I'd like to say to those whom I love (you all know who you are - if not, send me an email, I'll remind you), "Thank you."  Jeff and Dad need to be here.  In my life.  In our lives.  In the lives of many.  Because all in all, through thick and thin, they never failed to meet my expectations, even when they did, they didn't; and it's a crying shame... it's a crying shame that they didn't make it further.

All in all, I think this post is about life.  It's about living.  It's about standing up, putting the load back on your shoulders and moving forward despite the difficulties, despite the retrospect, despite the mistakes and the bad, bad choices.  And I think it answers the ultimate question with a resounding:  "Well, hell yes, I'd um, change things..."  ...Maybe not so resounding, but we all know that we've made mistakes/bad choices/been DBs at some points in our life/fogged the line between right and wrong; and so, because we cannot change the past, we must renew our obligation to the future. 

My only advice:  When somebody asks you to do something, do more than what is expected.  Yeah, my dad gave me that advice...  He was super cool!  Not a DB at all!  (And I thank him for "pushing" me toward my Lincoln, because it is soooooooooo nice....)