Catch Up Time

It wasn't long after the sale of the big house that I gave into the fear and became someone that I didn't recognize.  It was the fear.  It's always the fear.

At the time, I had the children all the time, minus the every other weekend gig at their dads.  I was watching the job that I loved fade into the dust after the sale of the company, and I was caught up in the whirlwind of change and uncertainty.  Not a good combination when you're already afraid.  Three years prior, I met LOML and really wanted to meld my life with his since my kids adore him and his kids adore me and they all adore each other.  I had fought through the fear of a remarriage and that was mainly because I recognized how flipping self-aware LOML and I both were.

It was then that I decided to move closer to him.  It was then that the kids' father wanted more time with them, wanted to keep them in the same school district, wanted no changes.  We went to court - still too painful to recite - and I gave in.  No moving - not even out of the school district.

 While in court, I was finally able to get an offer on the house.  Yet, I was still in flux and in court and I needed to keep the kids stable.   My job ended, so I was unemployed and desperately looking at the time. I rented a townhome in the school district.  We stayed there for six months.  After four months of unemployment, I found a job at a law firm as an associate.  Those four months were like a vortex of despair, and depression, fear and uncertainty.  I was not in a good state of mind, and I was desperate to escape it.

Court came.  The judge was looking at apartments and on Google during the trial, rolling her eyes whenever I spoke.  She started the trial by saying, "it's highly unlikely I am going to side with you."  A judge that pre-judged me before I even spoke.  That's another blog altogether, so I will save it for later.

I quickly found a nicer house to rent in the school district, took a job that better suited my lifestyle, and started to save money for a home I could afford in the fucking school district, in a state that is, I think, the second most expensive state in the country.

Time passed, pain came and go, and I worked really hard on myself and on my psyche.  I held onto the disappointment much longer than I should have, and I think back to that time and I still feel the hurt - - - physically feel it.

I bought a condo that I could afford.  Decorated it with beautiful furniture and made it our home.  The kids love it.  I love it.  All is well.

Now we're all caught up.  I jumped forward through a lot of emotions right there!  Phew.

What I have learned through it all is that my problems are tiny, miniscule, such first world problems!  It took years of self-reflection, years of empathy, and years of longing to get me here.

I am in love with writing.  I missed it and I am now embarking on a rekindling of the love affair.

The writing will get better going forward.  I just had to get through this one blog to move beyond it, to get y'all caught up.  You there?  Good.

More to come tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and on and on and on. . .