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It is about this time every year that I begin writing my year end summation. But this year, I cannot get my mind wrapped around anything. I believe that it is because there is just so much to think about. I find that the only thing I can really grasp is the relationship developing between my daughter and son, and how my little family of three is evolving into something rather spectacular. Yes, I still wish it was a family of four with happiness abound but what I long for (peripherally) and what it is are two very different things. Doesn't everyone wish for something better?

When Tony was around six months old, I wrote a letter to him. Paige was in her bedroom napping and Tony and I sat on my bed. I would tickle his belly and wait for his reaction, his blue, blue eyes touching me and reminding me that I brought him into this world. We were the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes and although it may not be remarkable for him, it was amazing for us. And it still is. After some time of tickling him, he drifted off to sleep, his little legs open wide, his feet touching, one arm across his belly, the other above his head. I remember sitting beside him and staring at him. It has been three years and the picture is still so clear in my head. As I said, I wrote a letter to him... told him how much his mommy and daddy and sister loved him, that we'd always be there for him, etc.

The other day the kids came home to me after three nights with their father. I missed them terribly and probably setting them up to be serial killers with Mommy abandonment issues, I allowed them both to sleep in my bed with me. Paige on the deserted side, Tony in the middle and me in my usual spot. After reading and prayers, we promptly fell asleep. As is always the case, I woke up about twenty minutes later and had to give up on falling back to sleep for at least four hours - it is impossible when there are rats chewing on my subconscious and bicycles spinning out of control in this blizzard that is my mind. I turned on the lamp, picked up my book and started to read. Still unfocused, I set the book on my chest and listened to my children breathe as they slept. They were face to face, Paige's thumb stuck in her mouth as though it grew from her tongue and Tony's mouth wide open. Her arm was slung across his body and his was above his head touching her forehead. Beautiful. Poetic. Magical. As I stared at them, I thought about the different types of love we build in this world, and the love between a brother and sister is simply, I can't even think of the word! They eat, sleep, fight, breathe, play, and sing each other. Where he ends, she begins and the time they spend apart from each other (which is only for a few hours at school) results in a reunion for them. They hug and act as though they were separated from each other for years. It is purely innocent and straightforward and real. Even their fights are real. There are no hidden agendas in picking a fight; they don't argue with the intention that maybe they'll touch on a more deep-seated problem; they don't make up to smooth things over until the next go 'round. They fight because he won't share, or because she was mean. They apologize, it's over and forgotten. It's not because they are children either. It's the same way with my brothers and sisters. We may argue, we may bicker but there is no resentment, no cause for finding fault. When it is over, it is over. I wonder is it the same for all families? Is it the same for all siblings? I would like to think it is because truly, the sibling relationship is one where you are forced to know the person inside out as you grow up; you can look in that person's eyes and know what they are feeling, even if it is impossible to know what they are thinking; and what you end up with at the end of a day, a week, a year, a lifetime is a set of shared experiences.

I know there are families out there that aren't like this - where brothers and sisters haven't talked to one another in years. In mine, it's not like that. I cannot even relate to that. My sister-in-law put it into words today like I've never heard: We poop and wipe each other's butts with our personalities and shared experiences. We work together to forgive, we come together to hug, we make it a point to "get over it". If only all relationships were like this! How is it that parents can forgive children, children can forgive parents, sisters can forgive brothers, brothers can forgive sisters, but divorce is so apparent. Can't we all learn from the unconditional love we develop in our immediate families? Is it just my family? I find myself trying to break out of this mode of understanding so that I can actively tear myself apart from my marriage - breaking off the unconditional aspect of the love so that I can move on. When I look at my children, although proud that they are growing together in such a way, I am disheartened that learning this type of love will slow them down. The wam-bam, thank you mam mentality so much easier to move away from - especially in breaking the ties that bind us together.

My husband and I shared the sight of our child's gaze on that first day, but it didn't create the bond that I surmised it did. Yet, my children have something stronger already. Why is that?