Haste

I met a woman yesterday on the airplane back into Baltimore. We sat for nearly three hours together, waiting for the plane to take off in the blizzard that hit the northeast in the last couple of days. She's been married for thirty-three years, was close to divorcing on two occasions, but they stayed together to spite the statistics. She said it was the best decision she ever made. Talked to my neighbor a few days ago. We stood facing my house, watching the kids and the dogs play together. He shook his head in sadness and said he and his wife were so close to divorce at one point in their marriage that their marriage counselor said they'd be better off apart. They, in turn, got upset with the marriage counselor and stayed together to spite him. He said it was the best decision he ever made. Both people went on to raise well-adjusted, hard-working children.

We grow in marriage, tightening our grip on our past as we walk through the stages of the marriage. The bliss of the new beginning, the quiet nights spent reflecting on what the future shall bring, and the fruition of a dream as it comes out crying and full of life are all the glorious pieces of the marriage. Then there are the bills, the pressures from work, the crying babies, the lack of sleep, the maintenance of the house, the laundry, the groceries and the meals. Somewhere inside of that big mess are two people, gripping their past, riding the bumpy ride and losing sight of what the future will bring. It's easy to lose sight, lose hope, lose the idiosyncrasies of the other person that made you fall in love. And then one day, as your standing on a rug, piecing together the missing pieces, yearning for the past and the future to meet in a sweet kiss, you see your significant other race into the room, grip the rug in his hands and yank it from beneath your feet. A hasty, hasty decision and you know it's a mistake, you know it's the biggest mistake of his life, and you try. You try. You try. And finally, you stand up, straighten the rug and heavy with regret and fear and pity, you step out on your own.

I doubt very much that in ten years, the spouse who made the hasty decision will one day stand looking at his neighbors' house, or talking to a stranger on a plane will say it was the best decision of his life. It might be a better decision, sure, but the best? Can't be, not when there are kids involved. Kids who cry for their parents together, kids who were swept into the air by that yank of the rug and who are still landing, landing softly, maybe landing elsewhere. A hasty decision like that is selfish, but that decision had to be made that way because anyone who was looking outside of himself/herself in reflection upon the lives it affects would have never done it. A stronger person would have seen the damage and tried to thwart it, at least, tried.

I am reading a book, a list of things to know, written by three doctors. I just came across the following:

WHY DIVORCE HURTS CHILDREN
1. It signals the collapse of the family structure - the child feels alone and frightened. This loneliness can be acute and long remembered.

2. A couple's capacity to be parents is diminished. They are preoccupied with their own emotional survival during the critical months (or years) of divorce.

3. Divorce creates conflicts of loyalty in the children. Whose side do they take? They feel pulled by love and loyalty in both directions.

4. Uncertainty about the future often causes deep-seated insecurity in children. Being dependent mainly on one parent can create a great deal of anxiety.

5. Anger and resentment between parents, which is prevalent in most divorces, creates intense fear in the child. The younger he or she is, the more damaging the climate of anger can be.

6. Children take upon themselves anxiety concerning their parents. They worry intensely about their mother in particular, with the departure of the father being a terrifying event.

7. Divorce represents the loss of so many things that a deep depression is almost inevitable. Yet most parents fail to recognize depression in their children.

"The trauma of divorce is second only to death. Children sense a deep loss and feel they are suddenly vulnerable to forces beyond their control." -- Dr. Lee Salk

A decision to leave, made in haste, made in anger, made without a second thought, without looking at every factor involved is wrong; it's weak, it's wrong and when it is done in the face of a woman who tried desperately to paint the big picture, who was willing to work on forgiving the indiscretions and insults, who was willing to take the time and use every resource necessary to make it work, is an act of complete selfishness.

I want to forgive. Not for him, but for myself. Yet I just cannot fathom ever forgiving him for pulling the rug from beneath his children's' feet. I have no idea how I'll ever forgive him for that.