The stadium was quiet, eager graduates waited in anticipation to hear words of wisdom from a notoriously inspiring leader. Winston Churchill stood at a podium, tapped on the microphone, cleared his throat and said, "Never give up. Never, never give up. Never, never, never give up."
His speech consisted of twelve words and it caused a standing ovation.
I read this quote shortly after separating and I thought I could live by it. After all, I committed myself to not giving up. And we all know the famous saying, "Winners never quit and quitters never win." And even the bible talks about keeping your covenants, adhering to your scruples and your commitments.
Here's another quote: The uncommitted life isn't worth living.
No, I'm not going to kill myself. Puleeze! I am just perplexed by the intensity of my commitment and my undeterred need to keep it. Isn't that insane?
And it all commingles with faith - that leap of faith you take when you commit your life to someone else... faith in your abilities, faith in theirs and faith that it won't change; that you won't have to give up.
I was straightjacketed on the leap of that faith. As I swirl around the air, hoping to land on my two feet, I realize I have to give up. I have to give up when Winston Churchill and the core of me tells me that I should never, never, never give up.
Writing this blog is therapy. I write it first for myself, and I am writing today to make it clear to myself that I am giving up. I am giving up as I write these words. Not a very proud moment for me. I am giving up on a commitment. I have to tell my children that I gave up on loving their daddy. And then, hypocritically, I have to tell them to keep their promises, no matter what because that it's integrity. It's integrity that will help them live their days without their own worst enemy keeping them awake at night. (Thanks to my best friend Bruce for that thought).
Again, for the six thousandth time I am sickened by what this is doing to the core of me. Yet Aristotle once said, "We cannot learn without pain." Nice lesson.
1 comment:
Yet, you didn't give up - he gave up - you got taken down by it - have you ever heard Bruce speak of his divorce? He talked about all of the things you are speaking of -and he questioned what it did to his faith - He changed the words to darkness - "I lost my faith when I lost my wife - but those things don't seem to matter much to me now. Because tonight I'll be on that hill with everything I got - I'll be there on time and I'll pay the cost for wanting things that can only be found - in the darkness on the edge of town."
There's also a funny rant he does when he talks about his aunt's trying to push him back to communion and he says "I can't I'm divorced - and his aunts say - "Yeah, but it wasn't your fault!" Bruce then laughs and says "Juli would beg to differ."
There were two people taking the vow not to quit - unfortunately, it doesn't mean the same thing to everyone - that's why the average marriage runs just eight years. You didn't quit and you aren't quitting now!
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