I am four days away from my trip to the mountains of North Carolina to attend a writing workshop with about 90 other people - 10 of which I will become more familiar with because they will be in my fiction-writing class with me. There will be no dogs to wake me up at 5am, no lawn to mow or pool to vacuum, the kids will be doing whatever it is that they do with their father (or whoever is watching them) and despite the fact that I always feel an ache when they aren't next to me, I will have the workshop to fill the void. And truly, aside from being a mom and running this household, writing is truly my passion. Hopefully, I'll walk out of there with a little more confidence in my abilities and some tricks to get me through the short story, poem or novel that urges me to write it. My writing sure as hell hasn't been up to par lately. And I know why that is too. I just can't shake the anxieties of the days that have strung together over the past month - no matter how I try.
I dunk my head under the waters in the pool, I teach the kids the right and fair way to play Marco-Polo, we get the whirlpool going pretty good, we shoot hoops with a ball that has patches over where Enzo's teeth have landed, we spend lazy minutes on our towels, reading books and drying off in the sun... and in those moments, all is good.
The minute they do their own thing - cuddled up on the couch with a book or an ice cream sandwich or watching Spongebob - I am tensed up again, clenching my jaw and worrying about the next time I have to face my ex, the next time I have to hear either one of them complain about leaving me again, the next time my lawyer calls to say I have to go to court in order to talk to my ex about things that, if his guilt and pride would stand down, could be done in a regular conversation between a mother and father of two very beautiful children, and the next unexpected/unaccounted for bill that comes in the mail...
I used to be able to let it all go - take a deep breath and let it go because tomorrow worries about itself and I am not obligated to take over its job - but the truth is, nothing ever changes. It's been three years of me begging to get on the same page, swallowing my pride and apologizing to keep the peace, watching who I introduce the children to, what we eat, how we spend our time and realizing that life will play out the way it plays out regardless of my actions because despite wanting a normal childhood for the kids and an amicable relationship with a man that has no idea he is leaving a graveyard of broken relationships behind him - and that this flippin' skeleton is standing up and crawling toward him again and again and again just to ensure that his babies don't get hurt.
And it sucks. And I'm tired. And while I am at this writing workshop or in front of this computer, I'll be thrown sideways in anticipation of being beaten down again and again and again.
Time is the conqueror, they say. You'd think after three years, the battle would have been won by now.
But it's not. It's just a string of days, with fun moments stuck between the days of drama with a person who thinks he's a real man with integrity, but is really a coward dressed in fine clothes, driving expensive cars with pretty girl after pretty girl...and taking it all out on me.
Time for pancakes and then a full day of swimming with the kids! Moment by moment by moment by monumental moment...
Polo!
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1 comment:
Hold your head high and set the example for your children. You can not force your ex to do anything, but that is on him. You can not force him to be on the same page, even if it is in the best interest of the kids.
Focus on you and only you and combat the damage done on the other end by loving the kids and teaching them what is right in your eyes. Your ex, sadly, is entitled to live his life how he sees fit. You do not get to be his moral compass and yes it just plain sucks when you have kids involved, but hold your head high and set YOUR standard for them.
Let the lawyers hash out the ugly and rest easy knowing you are setting a fine example and your kids are smart and will learn what is right. It is easier said than done, a mom always wants what is best for her children, but we as moms still can not force others to act. We want to protect them and it is infuriating when the one other person we should never have to protect them from, their father, is too selfish to see they are doing damage. All we can do is focus on what we do as an example, love them unconditionally and be there to pick up the pieces when they hurt.
You are important, your kids are important, your ex is not. You can't control him and right now you are allowing him to control you. Your anxiety and tension will be sensed by your children. For your own sanity resolve yourself to the fact your ex will live his life his way, even if it is selfish and not putting the kids first, but YOU will live your life in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to not only your children but you. I know it is tough, but hang in there. You are doing a good job. Again I know it is easier said than done, but you have to stop giving him control over your emotions.
You do not have to like what he does or how he acts, all you can do is like what you do and how you act and YOU set the example. Being a divorced parent is a hard job, there are always battles but if you allow someone to control your emotions and fill you with tension, anxiety and anger, your kids will feel it and that isn't fair to them either. Let him keep the "garbage on his side of the street" so to speak, and keep your side squeaky clean. Don't even look at the garbage, focus on your clean side. This is how he draws you in, he makes his garbage your garbage. Um no thank you, tell him to keep it.
He will have to answer for his actions with the kids when they are older. They will see through it, and they will love you more for never saying a bad word against him and for being there for them and teaching them what is right. Kids do learn these things and it will end up being sad for him.
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