I just finished reading my brother Cliff's blogpost. He talked about illusions driving your existence. I want to say that it was a peppy post but in reality, it was downright depressing. (Thanks Cliff). I've had the whole "illusions" thought process. I used to like the word. I used to think that having an illusion was what brought about change. Now? Not so much.
Illusions seem to be the cause of so much heartbreak.
A few nights ago, I attempted to write something about love. The title of the blog was True Companion. I wrote it, posted it, slept on it and at 5am, I re-read it and deleted the post. (Thank God nobody saw it). Who was I to write anything about love, about a true companion? I am the living proof that I don't know shit about shit (thanks again Cliff) when it comes to relationships. I share my kids with someone every other weekend and I entertain their questions about the divorce - why did you get divorced? When will daddy come back? Didn't you love each other? Why can't you just live together and get remarried? - every other day. (I recently read a line from a book called If You Want Me to Stay (Michael Parker) and in it was a line that went something like this: Defer the question and hope that they forget to reask it. After I read it I thought, "Yes! That is exactly what I do!").
Yet, yet, not knowing shit about shit when it comes to relationships hasn't knocked me out. I've been down for the count, sure. Yet I always stand back up before we get to 10, with my hands protecting my face. I am worse for the wear - it shows on my face and in my ability to walk steadily with the humbled pride that rests between reason and illusion.
It's all I can do.
Today, the gloves are back on. I'll defer the questions and hope they're not reasked; I'll daydream about someone I probably haven't met yet; and one day, I'll be able to show my kids what a true companion truly is - and their questions will have been answered. Someday.
That is the illusion.
TRUE COMPANION
The measure of each wrinkle, gray hair, laugh, fear, tear, dream (the ones that do and do not forget about the promise) - spanning the years. The hours remembering and recalling. The strength needed to find it in every day. There is loneliness in this candle light tonight, a glass of Chardonnay keeps it at bay, and messages from new friends and old friends blanket its smoke; climbing that mountain, seeing that mountain, being on that mountain, and wandering in the reality, canvassed grasses pecking at the ankles, mosquitos slapping; a veil lifted, a mouth kissed. A true companion. What it is to be in love! What is it to be in love? That spark! That spark? The shadows of the past that need a full ray of light. To shine. Finding you, that will be the day.
A true companion.
It's all an illusion but damn it, it's better than nothing.
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1 comment:
It makes me sad to know your lonely. I feel some wisdom has come with my gray hair. The complex dominates the mind, but the simple seems to explain it better. True Love and True Companionship are 2 completely different things to me. "Love" is Truly Unconditional, but "Companionship" is Conditionally True. Smile because you already have alot of Love. The companionship will be along soon.
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