I am a weak person, I've decided. Not weak in the sense that I know what is essentially right and wrong for my kids, but weak in the sense that I am so very cautious.
Think about the move my ex has made for a second. He was unhappy. He didn't see any chance of the marriage getting better, so he fled. He's gone, and maybe (hopefully, in my self-centered heart, hopefully), he has felt regret. But even so, he has moved on.
Here Carrie is, sitting complacently. I'm still in the same place. Raising the kids, working, cooking, cleaning. Have I been on dates? Very few. Have I given in to the temptation to "make myself available?" - nope. I haven't even been writing that much. I haven't done that because I am so afraid. So weak. Was his move strong? In a sense, yes. He was unhappy so he moved on. I was unhappy and was willing to sit inside of it.
Adventure.
It requires faith. I am too weak to push forward to do what I want to do as an individual. I am not strong enough - yet - to move forward and tow my kids along for the ride. They'd adjust. Hell, they adjusted to the divorce, didn't they?
It has been nearly two years for them since he left. They've adjusted just fine. It is their mother that hasn't.
I got news today of a move made by a lovely person. What did I do? I lashed out. How dare she? How dare she?
Am I right in my opinion?
Hell no! I am weak in my ability to move through transitions, and I am jealous, no, envious, of those who can.
Cheers to the brave ones. I'm not there yet. With a little faith, in myself, I just might be. But not yet.
It's only been two years...
What a joke I've become.
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5 comments:
You are NOT weak, Carrie. You are human, and did not "move on" as quickly because you believed in the power of the sacrament of marriage, and because you understand that while the kids adjusted to the divorce they also needed the stability that only YOU offered them. The same house. The same routine. The same daily structure that let them know wherever dad may fly, mom would be their rock, their base, their cornerstone and she would not let their world swirl into disarray around them. You are far from weak, Carrie. Don't mistake that!
Thanks Jacqui. Perhaps I need to clarify what I meant. I'll try doing that in a follow-up blog - but part of my "weakness" comes from the fact that I haven't been very selfish in all of this... I've been strong for my kids, making those sacrifices, but weak in moving forward for myself. I suppose that is what I meant. I'll finish it up. We, the family, got some devastating news yesterday, and this post was my attempt at trying to find good in it somehow.
I don't know what's going on in your family, but please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers (as always). I also want you to know that I admire you so much and have always considered you such a strong woman (well, for the brief time I've "known" you). Please, try not to let doubt creep in and make you question your strength and wisdom. I have drawn some of mine from you. xoxo
Thanks Andrea.
I suppose my sarcasm was a bit too subtle on this post. I don't believe it's weak at all to sacrifice for your kids... I called myself weak simply because I wasn't strong enough to be selfish and do whatever I wanted for me - does that make sense?
I think so... but I can be dense and usually need things spelled out for me to truly understand what someone's really trying to say.
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