Tomorrow?

Tony was my companion at church today. I had planned on attending alone, leaving the kids with my cousin so that I could deal with the message of the Mass and not be overly concerned about the kids picking their butts or staring at the crying babies. So I snuck up to the shower while they were eating breakfast and got ready for church. As I was blow-drying my hair, Tony snuck into the bathroom and asked me what I was doing. When I told him that I was going to church, he said, "I'm going with you!" I told him he didn't have to, that he could stay home and play, but he said, "No Mommy, I'm going. Let's get dressed." So I put him in some "Sunday" clothes and we went to church. On the way through the parking lot, he was jumping like a kangaroo, kicking his feet, shaking his arms. I told him to settle down, that we couldn't play like this in church. He didn't stop. So I did. We stood in the parking lot and I said, "All right buddy, get it all out. Jump up and down, shake those arms, kick those feet..." He did, and after a fit of giggles, I said, "Are you ready to be quiet in church now?" He shrugged and said, "Sure Mommy." And he was awesome!

"Just like riding a bike..." That was the thought that kept going through my head as I listened to the opening song, said my prayers and was seated. Easy enough. I made it through the readings and the gospel. The main theme of all was "Love one another as I have loved you." Simple enough concept. Putting it into practice is nearly impossible, but I understood it.

I thought I'd be thinking about Jeff the entire time, but I wasn't. I thought I'd be sobbing over the loss of him, but I didn't. Instead, my mind was on my divorce and on my ex-husband. Love one another as I have loved you... I thought about how many times I have forgiven him in the past two years, and how, after all this time, I still held onto an inkling of non-forgiveness. I realize that it is because I loved him so truly that I have a tough time not hating him, and thus I've been unable to fully forgive him. It is time.

Springsteen will be in town tomorrow night. The concert is sold out. I don't have a ticket. It is in D.C., in the city, at night. I am going. I will get a good parking space, and I will get a good ticket. I am going against the better judgment of my friends who think I'm insane for even thinking the idea.

My neighbors are having people over today. It is not for a merry celebration. It is because a brother-in-law died unexpectedly.

The brush of the jungle; the thorns at our heels; the grass so thick at our feet; the rolling thunder; the scorching sun; the car accidents, heart attacks, broken hearts, broken spirits, unemployment; the fast-paced move for money; the murders; the theft; the tragedies of loving...

The span of this life is so short. The span of this life is full of opportunities missed. Had I not gone to Mass today, would Jeff's funeral been my last time? If I don't go to see my best friend Bruce, will I have witnessed my last concert some time ago?

Tony broke the microwave dish (the thick, rotating dish that turns in the microwave) today. I heard the crash, and he was standing amidst all the big chunks of glass, crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept repeating it. I walked into that kitchen and was so angry. First the truck, then my computer, now this? I picked up the glass without a word. I vacuumed up all the little pieces of glass without even looking at Tony, without even acknowledging his tears. When he tried to talk to me, I told him to go play, that I had to go on-line to order a new plate.

What a flippin' hypocrite! He went to church with me today. He knows I heard the message, and what did I do? I ignored him. I ignored the fact that a plate of that size crashing to the floor and breaking into pieces probably scared the crap out of him. I ignored his apologies because I was too caught up in how it affected me.

Love one another as I have loved you... before tucking him into bed I apologized for my actions. He got teary-eyed again and apologized again, and I said, "Tony it was just a stupid plate, don't worry about it." He smiled and said, "Ooooh, you said stupid." Stupid, is right.

Life. So short.

Is getting up and going to work every day really about money? How many people truly love what they do to make ends meet? How long will it be before I scrap my job and take the lower, lower, lower paying job teaching at the college again; downsizing on my house and my lifestyle to do what I love?

Another day like today - facing myself, my true desires, and seeing so much love, knowing of so many tragedies that others are facing - probably not too long. It is about time to live, to remember, without worry, without regret.

Forgive, love, and live. Today.

Because tomorrow never knows.