Rainy Days and Tuesdays....

and Mondays, and Wednesdays and Thursdays, and Fridays, and Saturdays and Sundays, always get me down...

Where oh where is the sunshine? And why oh why do I feel like I woke up in Seattle, without the Grey's Anatomy's character (uh, McSteamy is a contender with Owen Wilson for a spot on the right side of my bed - after he pushes Paige and Tony out. Ah hell, we'll just use the sofa and let the kids sleep in peace...).

I don't know if it's the rain or the fact that my mother and I talked for the first time in a few days, and she is still so heartbroken and sad, and she said, "I prayed for the safety of my kids since they were born, and now look what happened? What's the point of it?" I tried not to get sad. I tried not to get upset. I failed.

"The point Ma is that you still have five other children that need you." I said this, and I told her that if I could take away the hurt and heartbreak for just one moment for her to see through it to the love that is still here, I would. She heard me though, and although we cried together, she said, "I know. I know. My faith is still with God."

Phew, that's good.

Her sadness though put a veil over my head today. I think maybe there was some chemical interaction with the layer of moisture that is making it rain so hard in Maryland, and a really bad mood because I am crabby today. Crabby!

I spent the morning envisioning the argument I would get into with my insurance company if they made me pay for the damage to my car; I envisioned an argument with Best Buy that I'd have if they charged me any more money to fix my computer; and I envisioned a full out battle with my small and large intestines if they even thought about acting up again (because they're real fiesty these past two days)... all for what? What is the point?

There are days when I want to continue to sleep... all day, and in that moment, every day. The heaviness of the weather, the heaviness of the emotions and the unbearable weight of living without a purpose (obviously the fog makes it really unclear), makes me think like this. And so, in order to find the purpose, I get aggressive and angry. I've felt this way maybe two times in the past three years or so.

I know there is a point. I know that my faith is anchoring my soul. I know that my children, my friends, my family are my purpose. I know that God sees it all, hears it all, feels what I am feeling. I know this. But there are some days when I just want to go to sleep and wake up to a sunny day.

Weatherman says the rain isn't going to let up any time soon. The dark cloud has risen... I'm heading straight into the storm. But I don't want to. On this Tuesday, I just want to stay down, sipping white wine and singing with Karen Carpenter. Rainy days and Tuesdays always get me down...