Take Me Back

I'm trying. I'm really trying to stay positive and to stop myself from slipping into the mud again, but the rain has been falling hard lately, and I'm just so tired. Highlights of my weekend: Tony snuck into the open hatch back of my truck, turned the key in the ignition, took his short little right leg and put it on the brake while putting the truck in neutral. The truck rolled down the driveway, I jumped out of the way, yelling for Tony not to move (he was trying to jump out the back), and jumped into the front seat to put it into park, just after the hatch back made contact with the garage door and both were crumpled. Tony kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was speechless for a good two minutes, then I said a quick thank you to God that nobody got hurt, and I banished Tony from ever getting in the truck again. (I take the blame, I should have had the emergency brake on or something, yet I was three feet from the truck the whole time, sweeping dirt from the walkway and the last time I checked, he was laying flat in the back eating doritos). Of course, I had just received the insurance check for the damage that the a-hole-who-left-the-scene did. Of course, that check won't even cover a third of the damage to the hatch. And my ex laughed, stating that I deserved it. Okay, it's funny in a thank-God-nobody-got-hurt-and-how-did-Tony-figure-it-out kind of way, but to state that I deserved it? Happy that I have to deal the cost and pain of getting it fixed? Another colon problem, I guess.

After my brother bent the door back with a crowbar and bungee'd the door so it would stay closed, I drove to pick up my computer from the shop. After $450, you'd think it would work, wouldn't you? Nah. I wouldn't normally care but I have two massive deadlines for work.

Oh my! I am beginning to sound like one of them people.

I know what's important, and my heart is so full of the truth of what is important, but for God's sake, I need a break! I need a break before I break. I've been feeling this way for nearly two months and I have not gotten a day without something happening that throws me sideways. Not one day. And I try to stay in the moment, and smile, and count my blessings, and do kindnesses, but the crap just keeps coming. What else can I do? I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, who tells his friends (who want the black cloud to go away so they can play), "I'll just go home, that cloud is sure to follow me..."

Oh, tomorrow is my divorce - final papers. Done. Over. New name. So, that should be an emotionally uneventful day. You think?

Anyway, I heard this song today and it has become a prayer for me because I don't want to break. I've been so strong for so long, I can't break.

Take Me Back - Van Morrison

I've been walking by the river
I've been walking down by the water
I've been walking down by the river

I've been feeling so sad and blue
I've been thinking, I've been thinking, I've been thinking,
I've been thinking, I've been thinking, I've been thinking,
Ah there's so much suffering, and it's
Too much confusion, too much, too much confusion in the world

Take me back, take me back, take me back
Take me way back, take me way back, take me way back
Take me way, way, way, way, way, way, way back.
Help me understand
Take me... do you remember the time darlin'
When everything made more sense in the world?
Oh I remember, I remember
When life made more sense
Take me back, take me back, take me back, take me back
Take me back to when the world made more sense
Well there's too much suffering and confusion
And I'm walking down by the river
Oh, let me understand religion

Way, way back, way back
When you walked, in a green field, in a green meadow
Down an avenue of trees
On a golden summer
And the sky was blue
And you didn't have no worries, you didn't have no care
You were walking in a green field
In a meadow, through the buttercups, in the summertime
And you looked way out over, way out
Way out over the city and the water
And it feels so good, and it feels so good
And you keep on walking

And the music on the radio, and the music on the radio
Has so much soul, has so much soul
And you listen, in the nightime
While we're still and quiet

And you look out on the water
And the big ships, and the big boats
Came on sailing by, by, by, by
And you felt so good, and I felt so good

Take me way, way, way back, way back
To when, when I understood
When I understood the light, when I understood the light
In the golden afternoon, in the golden afternoon
In the golden afternoon, in the golden afternoon
In the golden afternoon when we sat and listened to Sonny Boy blow

In the golden afternoon when
We sat and let Sonny Boy, blow, blow his harp

Take me back, take me back, take me back
Take me way, way, way, way, way, way, way
Back when I, when I understood, when I understood
When I was walking down the
Walking down the street and
It didn't matter
`Cause everything felt, everything felt, everything felt
Everything felt, everything felt, everything felt, everything felt
Everything felt, everything felt, everything felt so right,
And so good
Everything felt, so right, and so good

In the eternal now, in the eternal moment
In the eternal now, in the eternal moment
In the eternal now
Everything felt so good, so good, so good, so good, so good
And so right, so right, so right,
In the eternal moment, in the eternal moment
When you lived, when you lived
When you lived, in the light
When you lived in the grace
In the grace, in grace
When you lived in the light
In the light, in the grace
And the blessing.