What a Pig!

Okay, so I gave the kids two guinea pigs this past Valentine's Day.  I got them from a co-worker, who inadvertently put a male and a female guinea pig together in a cage and produced babies.  He brought them to work, and I told him that I didn't want the same accident to occur with my guinea pigs, so he better be sure that they were both females.

Here's the scene I walked into one day:  He was sitting at his desk with pictures of guinea pig genitals posted on his computer, while another coworker lifted the guinea pigs, one by one, and held them up next to the computer to do a side-by-side view.  The guinea pigs blushed as we viewed their, um, private parts, and I was assured that the ones I was getting were indeed both female. 

So I got the mommy, Tails, who had just given birth, and her daughter, Nina.

Tails is pregnant.  Nina is a boy.

Surprised?

Paige's response, bless her heart, was that she didn't understand how Tails could get pregnant when Nina and Tails never got married.  I told her that they must have had a secret ceremony when we were on vacation last time.

"Mommy, I think that the husband-son will eat the babies when they are born. . ." She said.  (Note that she calls him husband, not father).

"I don't know, baby, I have to read the Guinea Pig book."  I responded, sighing audibly.

"I'll read it!" 

She grabbed it off the shelf, looked up "family planning" in the index, and started reading while I stood in the kitchen talking to my brother Jim and my cousin Jessica.

"...if the courtship is successful, the male tries to mount her..."  Paige read, out loud.

Jim and Jessica giggle.

"See mommy, he'll try to mount her!"  She came running up to me, holding out the book.  I grabbed it from her and read the preceding paragraph, while Jessica read over my shoulder.

"...He circles the female in slow motion and makes a low sound: He purrs at her.  If she remains sitting, he continues to circle her and at brief intervals lowers his testicles.  If the courtship. . ."

Oh boy.  Jessica starts to laugh, Jim walks over, reads the paragraph, and a discussion between them ensues.  When I say discussion, I mean that they are laughing and spouting out incomprehensible words.

"Wait, what does mount mean?"  Paige asked. 

"Oh my God, have fun with that."  Jim said, still laughing loudly with Jessica.

I took Paige into the other room because Jim and Jessica started to have an inappropriate conversation about the virtue of Tails.

She asked again.

"Well, what it doesn't mean is that Nina will eat the babies."  I said, hoping she'd take that for an answer.

"But, what does mount mean?"  When she asked it again, another wave of laughter from the kitchen.

I had three seconds, in that moment, to decide whether I wanted to have the birds and the bees conversation with her.  She's eight now, she's curious.

My brain was screaming, "no no no no  no no no no..." and she is staring up at me, innocently and curious.

"Well..."  I started, "Mounting is what Nina needed to do to get her seed inside Tails. . ."

"Did she just say seed????"  Jim screams from the kitchen, and him and Jessica are crying, they are laughing so hard.

And Paige asks, "Does he put his seed in her mouth?"

Imagine, the response from the kitchen. . .  (I think one of them yelled out, "Sometimes!")

I shake my head slowly, "Um. . . no."

"In her butthole?"  Paige asks.

Bah!

"You know what Paige, we'll talk about this tomorrow when Uncle Jim and Jessica aren't here.  Is that okay?"

"Okay!"  She jumped up from her seat and ran up the stairs to check on the whore, er, guinea pig.

Bah!