Do I Really Feel the Way I Feel?

"It is easy to be the person you have always been, for it requires no change, no self-reflection, and no growth.  It may appear that changing yourself requires giving up something.  In reality, there is no need to give up anything--you must simply add to what has been."

I am a quote junkie.  I see quotes, brilliant thoughts by people who "get it" and I consistently write them down.  Even if they're in a book somewhere, I grab my little notebook and I write them down.  I have been writing quotes in various notebooks for years now, and I am always pleased when I come across one randomly, and think, "I understood that and it applied to my life when I wrote it down."

The above quote was written down about three years ago, when I was in the haze of self-reflection, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.  I remember thinking, no praying, that the person who had betrayed me would change by growing and self-reflecting. 

In reality, now that time, healing and wisdom have evolved in my little head, I realize that the person who betrayed me, was me.

". . . you must simply add to what has been."

I like that.  It gives me comfort.

It's funny to recognize your own faults- - humbling, for sure, but also funny in a curious sort of way.  I sometimes get on this high-horse, and think I know all the answers to all the questions that pertain to what I've experienced in life.  Divorce?  Oh, I'm an expert on that.  Infidelity?  Oh, I can give you all kinds of advice.  Death?  I'm the one you can turn to.

The truth is, I don't know squat.  The only reality I know is my own, and when I think about it, I also think about a line from the song "Walking in Memphis":  Do I really feel the way I feel?

We are all subjects.  We are subjects of our own smoke-screen and mirrors, and my thoughts are not my own thoughts, my feelings are not my own feelings, they are just reflections of a mentality that I am the center of the universe, and all that happens in the universe is a reflection of what I put out there.

Maybe that is partially true.  I mean, we are all connected.  We have to be. . . we've all seen how rain dances on water. . . we've all experienced tears from frustration, grief, happiness. . . we've all been passionate about someone or something and found disappointment with the reality of it. . . we've all experienced regret and those what if moments. . .  we've all had our breaths stop for beauty. . .

We're human.

Because we are human, we are able to experience the gifts that life provides - - daily, hourly, by the minute.

So, what?

Not sure what I feel right now, but I know that in three years, I might come across the quote above, and have an entirely different train of thoughts.  I suppose I can only take what is given to me, and add it to what I already assume that I know. 

What I know is that I don't know all there is to know.

Yet I do know what I feel when I observe rain dancing on the ocean, rays of sunshine bursting through the clouds, a drop of dew reflecting off the wet grass, a hawk soaring through the sky, an unexpected smile from a stranger, and belly laughs. . .

I just wish I could always remember that joy as I continue being human in a broken world. . .