Friday, April 24, 2009

Wasted

For the past couple weeks, I've worked twelve hour days. Doing that, and raising two kids on my own for those two weeks, with little less than a three hour break took its toll. There wasn't time for worrying, there wasn't time for wanting. The only thing I could do was go from one thing to the next, to the next, and try to keep a smile on my face the entire time. And I did, for the most part. I realized, in this week of busy-ness, how much time I had previously wasted. I spent months - MONTHS - trying to figure out why the divorce was happening. I spent energy - so much energy - on the tears, the anger, the fear and the sorrow. And you know, the "why" answer is no clearer to me than on the day he walked out. I wasted so many days wondering about that why. Gone. Wasted, wondering why.

The why doesn't matter. The why will never be answered because I am not him, and he is not me. The "why did Jeff die?" question sits in the same wasted time box. I don't know. I will never know - at least not on this earth. So why ask why?

During the separation and into the upcoming divorce, I spent many days learning about myself; my priorities; my wants; my needs and my hopes for the future. NOT wasted. I am very grateful for that, and the tears I cried in figuring that out - NOT wasted.

I've learned. In all of this, I have learned so much. And this morning, in the midst of hammering out contracts, with sips of coffee in between, while my i-pod blared music, I had to stop. The song Life Itself came on, and I glanced up at Jeff's picture, and that was it. I was done for. I shook my head hard back and forth, and said, "No, no, no..." and I hit forward on the radio. After several seconds of a different song, with the wave of sadness rippling throughout my body, I hit the back button and turned the song as loud as Gracie could bear. And I cried. I cried for my sorrow over having lost a beautiful person in my life. I cried with every memory I had of his smile - from the age of four through the age of 38. I cried because I know that I will not see him - physically - again for a very long time. I sang the words to the song with tears streaming down my face and I wailed with the chorus. When the song ended, I turned off the stereo, sat back in my desk chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes and thanked God for that moment. It wasn't wasted. It had to be done. Soon after, I blew a kiss to his picture and got back to work.

As sad as it seems, it was a moment in my life that I lived. Yes, my grief over having lost my brother is part of my life now - it is a grief that I will live with forever, and live with it, I must. Trying to ignore it by shaking my head and begging "no" is simply a waste of my time because it will have affected my work, my responsibilities toward the kids and my interaction with the kids and everyone else around me.

I have decided to feel the pain when it comes - allow it to be a blessing that reminds me of how much I have loved, of how much I love, of how much I will continue to love.

And I will not waste any more of this precious time I have in my life, worrying about non-essential things. I cannot afford to do that. Every moment is my moment to live. Every moment wasted is a moment that I owned and threw away - gone forever from my life.

Love. Show love. Live love. Be love. There is never a wasted moment in loving, even if it's surfing on a huge wave of sorrow.

2 comments:

Cliff Fazzolari said...

Awesome - you're right - but I turned Life Itself off yesterday - too much. Way too much to take some moments. Thanks for the post.

Andrea Renee said...

So very well said, Carrie. Beautiful post. xoxo

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