I Got Nothin'

It's been awhile. I've wanted to write so badly, but I've got nothing. The creative muse has vanished into the turbulent waters of this life, and although struggling, has yet to emerge for air. No worries right now, because I have more pressing problems to deal with as of late.

My small and large intestines have decided to work together against me. The abdominal pain has been severe for the past several days, and although my appetite hasn't gone away, my intestines are packed to the outermost boundaries, like pork in a sausage casing, and my poor little release valve is suffering. I went to the doctor yesterday and after the doctor pushed and prodded on my stomach (it hurt like a son-of-bitch), he concluded that I have an infection that is causing a blockage. What an asshole! (Not my doctor, my colon). So, that's been fun.

Other than that, I've been hearing echoes of the conversation I had with my brother Cliff about the meaning of life as we sipped (sipped??) Bloody Mary's on the Florida beach, and enjoyed the sun as it burned into our skin, causing blisters and tenderness that is just now starting to peel off in clumps. I think at one point, we had figured out the meaning of life, but the alcohol made our memories a little foggy. At some point, we'll get together again and try to reconnect the dots, with a little less Grey Goose and a little more sunscreen.

What reverberates is the truth that was concluded: death does not separate us from our brother. He's beside us all the time, and in every situation we are aware of what he would say and how he would react. I miss him terribly, but time goes by so quickly anyway and he lived a full life. So, burrowing in the sadness and regret is the only source of my conflict, and it is a blockage to my fulfillment in my life. In essence, that sadness and regret is like my small and large intestines, infecting my passage into living my life. I intend to push it out as soon as the antibiotics start kicking in. The antibiotics being: laughter, compassion, meaning-of-life conversations, and of course, Grey Goose.

I told you. I got nothing. I can't think beyond pooping right now.

Sexy, eh?