I Dunno

There isn't much I can do about the death of my brother. I mean, I can't bring him back (in the physical sense) - it is what it is.

There isn't much that I can do about my current financial situation - it is what it is, and working on my dream is going to have to happen during the hours when I'm sleeping because from 7 in the morning until 10 at night, I'm working on simply living my life. I accept that. I don't like it, but for now, it is what it is.

There isn't much I can do about my status as a single mother of two - it is what it is. I'm too busy doing what needs to be done. (See paragraph two). If God wants me to be happy with a loving husband, who is a role model for my kids, a gorgeous hunk of man, smart, humorous, kind, compassionate and adoring of me... he's going to have to plop him on my lap as I sit here and type because otherwise, it ain't happenin'!

Ain't much to be done about the economy on my front.
Ain't much I can do about AIDS, or global warming, or illiteracy, or immorality or cancer...

Is there?

Wanting to do something about these things is much different than having the ability to do something about these things.

I'm struggling right now with the purpose of my life. Perhaps it is due to the divorce, which is obligating me to think about starting a new dream, and perhaps it is because I saw a man who purchased the Springsteen CD in the morning, and suffered a stroke in the afternoon, and died shortly after - not even able to hear the entire CD.

Perspective? Desperation?

What, in God's name, am I feeling? Because I'm not satisfied with my life. I am so amazingly satisfied in the moment - when I'm in the moment with my children - but other than that, when they're at school or at their dad's house - I'm lost. What is my purpose? What? Is it even an issue? Should it be?

Perhaps I am writing this as a letter to God - a plea for some answer. Yes, I love. I love with my heart. I have compassion, I have generosity, I give with my soul. How can I do that, and still exist in this world - because, I'm stuck here right now? I'm stuck and I don't know how to exist right now.

And the thing is, I'm not depressed or sad, I'm not anxious, I'm not excited, I'm feeling nothing right now except confusion. What is this?

Suck it up, tough it out, do the best you can? Oh, I wish I could do that. There is more to it than that.

I have a restless heart. I'm working on it though. This blog post seems to be the first step: recognition.

Ah, let's see where this takes us. Is it common for the grieving sister, the grieving spouse? Where are the experts on this one?

Hungry heart?

Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!?!