Bad for Good

For every person, it is different. "It" being that moment of clarity where one discovers that they are simply hanging on by a thread, where they discover that the mud that used to be ankle deep is now getting into the nostrils, and it is time to get some help. So they begin to rely more on friends who offer help, they begin to read self-help books, they join a gym, they go back to church, they see a shrink, or they simply make the decision to let the little things go.

Unfortunately, some people never realize they are in trouble. They exist on pure arrogance, lack of faith and the super-human ability of blaming others. I worry about those people the most and send well-wishes to them often. Yes, and sometimes I grow frustrated by them and wish them ill-will too. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, ill-will and bad luck might actually save them. I think this is how it works.

My book club is reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." I began reading it some months ago and just couldn't get into it. It was written by Rabbi Kushner, had many verses from the bible and tried to explain away the downs in this up and down life as mere "things" that just happen because life is chaotic. It goes on to say that what you do with the chaos is how you grow. Okay, I can buy that last part, I suppose.

I have an amazing friend. We talk deep every single time we are together. She loves the book I just described - it got her through a time when her brother was in a life-threatening accident. She consistently describes the emergency room where a woman who lost family members said, "This is what God has chosen to happen, and I have to accept it and get through it because it is what He wants us to do." Her biggest beef (and it makes sense) is that God wouldn't do something like this. He doesn't allow bad things to happen like that because He is a good God. Certainly a great argument. We talked about pre-destination and how God has a plan for all of us, He knows exactly what decisions we'll make, etc., etc. This is the part she has a tough time with. She'll say, "God did this? God knew your ex was going to leave you with two kids? God knew your brother was going to have a stroke at the age of 38?" (She hasn't said that last line yet, but I know her). And when she asks these questions, I am stumped. Because, well, God wouldn't do this, would he?

I have been thinking subconsciously about this question for quite some time because I simply cannot accept the arguments in When Bad Things Happen... . At some point, I'll find the answer to these questions. I cannot wrap my mind around it at this precise moment and feel like I've just wasted 15 minutes trying to get there. I suppose I should probably think "book" instead of "blog post" to answer the questions Rabbi Kushner has put before me.

All I know is that Tony woke up giggling this morning. As he came out of his dreams, he was full-on belly laughing. It was delightful, and although he woke us nearly two hours earlier than we normally get up, the laughter was worth it.

I have him and Paige on my back and we are swinging by the strongest, thickest rope ever. Yet, a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to hold them... I was hanging on by a thread, a cob-web thin, blowing-in-the-wind, thread. A bad thing happened and it changed my life for good. Bad for good. I think that's the premise of my argument.

I'll keep thinking as Tony stands beside me... still laughing.

Who gives a...?

I am sitting in front of the same computer I sat in front of eight days ago; I am employed with the same company; I stare at the same clocks; drive the same truck; and alas, I am still single. But nothing is the same. Nothing. What happened last week was life-changing and it still shaking things up, moving things around, rearranging thoughts and feelings and desires... the aftermath of tragedy, I suppose. I shall never go back to the same person I was before this all happened.

My faith is stronger. I have deepened my roots, strengthened my trunk and grown more branches. My faith shall not be moved.

I spent the day in a meeting - real estate training 101. It was incredibly boring - like taking a kindergarten class for me because it is what I have been doing since graduating law school. As I sat there and listened to the instructor drone on and on about her accomplishments, her success stories, and all the little dramas that occur way up in headquarters and way down with the farmer landlords, I kept thinking: "Who gives a sh-t?" Just do your job, punch out and forget about it. Why bring it home? Why relive it in an 8 hour training class where the only reason you are there is because those feigning interest are required to be there.

I heard someone complaining about a scratch on their new car. "Who gives a sh-t?"

I heard another one complaining about the quarter inch of snow and the traffic. "Who gives a sh-t?"

And another complained about his wife spending money on a new purse. "Who gives a sh-t?"

I don't. I don't care anymore. And I doubt that I'll ever go back to thinking that way again. I truly doubt it.

I had a dream last night that turned me upside down, took me back about 17 years and I found it to be one of those moments that could have changed the course of my life, and despite my two beautiful and brilliant children might have been a better choice for me.

Yet I have this... all this. A brother who is healing, slowly healing and a life that includes two incredible children and a wonderful base of family and friends. And for these things, I give a sh-t.

Yubba Dubba Doo

I got to watch an episode of The Flintstones with the kids. In a nutshell, Barney got a job at Fred's work repossessing things. Fred owed money on a TV set. The episode centered upon Barney wanting to quit because it went "against [his] grain." Fred talked him out of it. So instead of taking Fred's TV, Barney used his new paycheck to pay off Fred's debt. The episode ended with a tear trickling down Fred's face at the generosity of his best friend.

Damn if that doesn't describe the friends that have surrounded the Fazzolari's during this week. Friends from college, high school, hometown, across the globe, family... oh dear, thank you! (And keep praying!)

Some certainties that came out of this week of chaos, confusion and compassion:

1. The Fazzolari's are blessed.
2. It's not that tough to get my sister to pee her pants.
3. Miracle after miracle after miracle...
4. Strong arms and a place to rest my head... that is what is missing for me and by me during this week. Divorce sucks.
5. My brother-in-law wins the gold for the best person on this planet. He is tied with my parents, Corinne, John, Cliff, Jim and Jeff... jeez, Kathy, Dana, Lisa and Lynn too... "The Fuzzys!"
6. Popple, Livecchi, Heinhold, Renaldo, Miller = Family
7. Praise, gratitude and love, love, love to God.
8. Humor makes us, gets us through, strengthens us and brings us back to the big picture because it makes us appreciate what we have and so brings on the tears!
9. Leaving Buffalo today was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.
10. What happened sucks. What we do with it, opens doors.
11. Barney is a pretty cool dude.

Tomorrow Never Knows

Things happen quickly, turn on a dime, change in an instant and there is really nothing anyone can do about it. It is always amazing to be blindsided with the realities of life - a stroke occurring in a 38 year old man? What the...?

Tomorrow never knows. Yet, there are truths too. Truths that never change.

My family is bound tightly - we act and react together to all the news. We pray together, we comfort each other and we love. We love. The crisis we are facing does not change how we treat each other or strangers. We're still smart alecks, still compassionate, still polite and generous. We can find humor in any situation, and the tears of laughter are often mingled with our love and anxiety of being blindsided.

Paige knows I am up in Buffalo taking care of my brother, and pulling my weight in supporting the family. She said, "It's what we do, right Mommy?" Yes, it's what we do. Reality and truth in that one simple statement.

Another truth is the presence of God in our lives. It's how we know to do what we do.

Right now I am sitting in the hospital listening to my two older brothers discuss the prognosis of the youngest brother. The conversations change within seconds - so far we've discussed the goofiness of Jeff and how he can charm a lion (and make it laugh uproariously [pun intended]), how the friends of this family are amazing - simply amazing people -, how our parents prepared us for this, and then we fall into the one-liners that make us spit coffee across the room.

We are blessed. I hate to dispute the words of my best friend Bruce who says "tomorrow never knows" but I have to. Tomorrow knows. Some things never change. Thank God for that.

Bruuuuuuuuuce!

I pre-ordered it on i-tunes at around 7:30pm, thinking I'd just download it in the morning when I got up. But no, it's 1:30am and I've downloaded and listened to it twice since I awoke at midnight with a start. My first thought being the Bruce had something waiting for me.

Of course it's good! And I haven't been this excited since I was ten years old, waking on Christmas morning.

He tours this summer. I'll be there helping him make his nightly miracle.

Thank you best friend, thank you!

Conquering the Ripple-Effect

I have discovered Facebook in the last couple months, and wow, it's pretty cool. I am back in regular contact with friends from high school, college and law school. It's an amazing tool for the web - so easy to eavesdrop on the lives of your friends without actually talking to them every day.

A couple weeks ago, I discovered that my ex and his girlfriend were now officially "In a Relationship" and I got to see pictures of their most recent get-away. I know, I know, why even go there Carrie? Can't help it, I'm human. It's okay though because since then I haven't even bothered to look. It does nothing for me.

This morning, there were pictures posted of Paige and Tony with all their cousins, my ex sister-in-law, ex cousins, etc. It was so great to see their faces smiling, and the kids really enjoying that side of the family. I only have warmth in my heart for all of his family, and sometimes I miss his Mom so much that I have to shake the thoughts from my head because I am afraid of the grief. (I haven't talked to her in over a year). Anyway, I looked at the pictures and truly enjoyed seeing them.

What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of emotion that hit me in church as I thought about the pictures. I thought about how screwed up it was that I wasn't there with them; about how when I married, I made myself part of that family, by choice and in simplicity. And it's kind of sad to know that I'm the odd man out now, but I am so grateful that I wasn't entirely booted away. Other than his parents, they still embrace me and respect me, so it's good.

I can understand how difficult it is to let go of resentment and bitterness. I've finally let go of loving my husband - realizing how I can go on, successfully, without him. I didn't even realize until today that I was losing a family by virtue of his departure, and it was a family I had grown to love, and I'd like to think, had grown to love me. And it makes me so mad at him for this loss too. I understand it, I truly do, but damn, the divorce effects so many things... so many. (The anger came and went - it's getting much easier to let go of it now because it is so toxic to any growth).

Seeing those pictures today reminded me of that, and coupled with missing my children as I always do when they are away for the weekend, I grew incredibly lonely.

Ah, yet another reason to persevere. I am going to be super-human one of these days with all the strength these struggles bring.

Wait, Is that....Is that... Snow?!

Oh yes, 2009 is turning out to be a good year so far. January has rocked thus far... the writing is back, the children are brilliant, I am re-inspired by work, fixing up the house, and I have an omnipotent sidekick that is whispering that good things are still to come. The toxins that inspired my previous, self-delusional, illusional, post-marital guilt-stricken-unforgiving-angry-emotional-basketcase-did I say illusional or delusional?- posts seem to have dispersed into thin air. Vanished. Gone. Not so important anymore.

I've started to listen to the news again, not so afraid that hearing negative things will send me into a tizzy. Yet, 'Miracle on the Hudson' - astounding. I was a bit perturbed that the headlines talked more about the crash than about the miracle at first, but you know, maybe people are afraid of miracles for some assinine reason?

The loose change in my pocket has turned into dollars - all the strings that were flying about braided into each other and made something and I feel that the braids can now be woven to make a really pretty sweater if I use these blessed fingers of mine!

Be impeccable with your word. Yes! Don't take anything personally. Yes! Don't make assumptions. Yes! Always do your best. Yes!

Believe in redemption... miracles... hope... happiness... people. Believe in people. There are more good people than bad.

Did anyone see Bruce at the Inaugural celebration? Yeah, he's my boyfriend now. And, well, it was snowing!