Maybe

I am still struggling with the whole hindsight/reality, intuition/illusion thing. It is so hard to separate the gray from the black from the white; the truth from the fiction; the love from the desperation from the courage from the need from the want from the reality again. I have lived all of this in the span of this week, this month, this year, this marriage. I am purposely separating everything in a rhythmic form because I feel like I am sitting on a sailboat watching all of this ride by me and if I could stick my head beneath the water and bite into just one feeling to hold onto, I would. I feel like I need something concrete to gaze at, something real and focused because my emotions, my mind, my reasoning and my ideals are wrestling it out inside my head. The pain is separate from all of this too because it is the one constant, sidelining the entire show.

Is this how heartbreak goes? I was heartbroken once before - tore me up inside to say good-bye, but this is different somehow. It was painful then, but this feels more like a death to me than the simple ending of a relationship. There are more factors to consider I guess: the kids, the marriage, the dogs, the money. But I still have those things, barring the marriage vows and I have gotten over the vows. I don't know, I am trying to hate, to bury, to burn, to forgive and forget but it's not working. Time? Is that the salve for the wounds? Fine. Come on, bring it on, I am waiting! Why are the wounds being opened by all these emotions? Why can't it just be pain from the heartbreak? Why is it that I am fantasizing about things that will never happen? Is it the idealist in me? Is it really possible to be slapped across the face and turn the other cheek? Why do I feel so deeply that this is what I need to do?

I'm not asking anyone for answers here - just trying to get a grasp on what it is that is going on in this ocean before me. I've said it before, I'll say it again, divorce sucks.