Never the Same

Change. The dynamic, ever-changing world in which we live. I am standing on the edge of a cliff, my arms open wide and I am about to take the plunge into the pool of a thousand others. I will be a divorcee.

I can't help but think of the episode of Happy Days, when Richie and Ralph befriended a divorcee' and they thought she was beautiful (kept peeking in her windows) and the episode centered upon the taboo surrounding divorce. It turned out, she was just a beautiful woman who had a marriage that didn't work out, nothing more, nothing less. She didn't have any kids, she had more of a chance for the heart-pounding, soul-consuming, ultimate love that single woman have. (Or maybe not. I doubt that the line is drawn at whether or not you've birthed a child, or two, or more).

My point in this diatribe is that this episode of Happy Days is stuck in my head. I probably haven't seen it in twenty years, but I can still see this woman's face and Richie and Ralph's lustful gazes! And I know why I still remember this episode. It's because I've always thought of divorce as taboo. Always shaking my head at the failure of marriage, blaming not one partner, but both. Always preaching that communication is key, that the failure of a marriage is the failure of the people joined together.

I do declare that I'm beginning to change my mind. Ultimately, I am being forced to do so. After all, I am one of the statistics now, one part of the failure of the marriage and I am ashamed sometimes because I still hold onto those old beliefs. I am ashamed because it is not what I wanted for my life, and I am disappointed that it is occurring. I am angry that it came to this point. I am flapping my arms, leaning backwards to avoid taking that plunge because oh, well, because divorce is bad! There I said it. It's bad and I am judging other people who have divorced, and I am judging myself. How did I fail? This is the question that has plagued me lately. How in the heck did I fail at something that was the number one, most important, top-of-my-lifelong-goals-list, how did I fail?

And these thoughts come to me. And then I laugh. Two of my closest friends (excellent, excellent people) are divorced and the divorces weren't failures. They were blessings! These people are alive now, pursuing life and goals and dreams... and they are excellent, excellent people! One of these wise friends recently told me that the marriage failed but it is not a reflection of myself - I did what I could to save it and to the dismay of my family and friends who know the "whole story", I'd probably keep trying if he wanted to try. I'd keep trying because of the demons that hand-feed me the preconceived notions - see paragraph one). Maybe. Anyway, he said that I wasn't rejected by my spouse because of something I did, I wasn't rejected at all. My spouse simply rejected the commitment to the marriage. [And yeah, that's another belief I have. Commitment - man, it's the number one virtue - a covenant not only to the one you married, but a covenant to God. Jeez. Huge, all encompassing, ever-lasting repercussions on that one]. This advice helped - a lot. Yet, because of who I am, I still have difficulty choking it down. The Pastor at my kids' school said I'm going to need a little therapy to get over this feeling, and a little therapy to get over the myriad of trust issues. Ya think?

I am in repair and I realize that change is inevitable. Change of attitude, change in belief, change in how I view the world.

There are unchangeable things, and changeable things. My opinions on divorce? Definitely moving toward a new understanding. I'm not there yet, but one day. The reparations on myself will take me there. Until then, I'll settle for being a beautiful divorcee, taboo and all.