Dress Rehearsal

I played the part. I played it well. I took my role as a wife and mother seriously, maybe too seriously because I seem to have forgotten the lines, gestures and emotions of my true self while covering that role so well. I took it to heart that the vows would never be broken, relied on the promises of another person, put my whole self into relying on those promises! There is no blame here though because he was playing a part too, for a long time, a part with lines, and gestures and emotions, but like an actor, you have to come out of character at some point.

I'm no longer in character. I am living for myself and in so doing, shedding the role I thought I had to play. By living honestly now, out of character, if you will, I am truly a woman - independent of my responsibilities as a mom, friend, sister, daughter and soon to be ex-wife. I like being out of character - I am free to wear what I want to wear, say what I want to say and be who I want to be. I am able to redefine or maybe finally define myself. He may no longer like who I am, and it's clear he didn't like how I played my part as wife and mother, and so it is what it is and will be what it will be.

Freedom from the play. Freedom from the acting, just being, now. I quit playing the part, my stand-in can take over for me, memorize my lines, gestures and emotions. I am my own play now, my characters completely unpredictable, my setting and my plot still developing. I've given up the chance for roses thrown at my feet, for applause from smiling crowds, for standing ovations and pleas for one last appearance. And I am okay with that.