What a fool I've been! Pretending that there are lessons hidden somewhere inside all the turmoil of this life! All this chaos! All these risks and all this pain! What a fool... for worrying that I would get hurt somehow; worrying that I was riding in the sidecar of a motorcycle that was about to fly through the air and land over a ravine, in murky waters. What a fool for taking aim, pulling the trigger and shooting myself clean straight through and then wondering why I'm in pain; what a fool for leaping into the boat that I surmised was bound to go down; what a fool for spending three years wondering if he was in it for the long haul when I should have been riding sidecar, keeping watch of the ravine! What a fool.
I slithered out of this pool of dark thoughts, once again hearing the baritone screaming of Springsteen live singing to me. Singing to all of us. I'm not sure if I've ever listened to him sing this particular song live or not, but the way I heard this verse was loud and clear - live and on fire. I heard this verse all day long; I've listened to it for the past twelve years; I've screamed it at the top of my lungs, but never, ever heard it, until today, all day long... over and over, I heard it.
"You can't shut off the risk and the pain, without losing the love that remains."
What a fool for trying to shut off the risk and the pain. And I'm still doing it! "We're all riders on this train..." Jump off, and be sure to grab my hand on your way out because "faith is taking that first step even when you can't see the staircase." (St. Matthew)
I've learned a few lessons on this journey. One, when you ask God for help, you better be prepared to get it in any way, shape or form - even if it's painful. Two, miracles happen. Three, faith is the bomb! Four, hope... (that's a command, not just a word). And Five, love remains if you let it.
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